So what have you decided—go back or not go back? I say go!
Hey t1163, thanks for baring your soul. I love that kind of post. Also love your quote from Oscar Wilde. Amazing, isn't it, how the mask of our anonymous handle helps us tell the truth on a place like PERB?
I totally relate to your fixation on that erratic, safe sex-flaunting Asian micro chick that gave you such an intense burst of pleasure, followed by 3 painful months of no sex and having to lie to your wife...and now those obsessive fantasies about going back to her, to get that fix from her once more.
Speaking of literature, this scenario is reminiscent of Somerset Maugham’s story in OF HUMAN BONDAGE where the protagonist, a doctor, falls obsessively for a waitress named Mildred who harms and exploits and ridicules him in all sorts of ways. And that's precisely what whips his sensual fantasies of her into white heat. Reading this book was quite an effective antidote to getting addicted to inappropriate love partners for me.
Your situation also makes me think of a former girlfriend whose first sexual experience was getting raped as a teenager, and who only got turned on by re-enacting rape & bondage scenarios a la "The Story of O." There’s nothing voluntary about the way fantasies colonize our minds and start delighting or torturing us. And it’s often the worst perversions that are the greatest turn-ons.
t1163, "if you repress you’ll continue to obsess"—so I say, go for it, see this chick again a few times, bang her like crazy (but with a condom). Usually, when there's no real harm to others, the best way to flush an unhealthy fantasy out of one’s system is to act it out, until it becomes less of a big deal.
But I agree with Beautiful Anna: to move on you should see a good counselor. Your desire for this micro chick isn't healthy, rational or morally exemplary, but that's hardly to the point. Erotic desire thrives on political incorrectness and intermittent reinforcement. By some quirk of human psychology, pleasure alternating with pain is far more addictive than just pleasure; and sometimes even the pain itself becomes pleasurable. There're all sorts of deep reasons why both men and women become addicted to, or co-dependent on, the most unsuitable partners. The right counselor should trigger some real self-understanding that might help you get over this—and perhaps restore your commitment to marital fidelity.
