Sibling Favouritism by a Parent and how to handle it (Looking for Feedback).

[cruiser]

One subject that I'm sure that most of us can relate to is sibling favourtism by a parent. I'm referring to one sibling being favoured by the parents and leaving the other sibling out.

In my situation, I have one sibling (3 years younger), who lives 3 hours away. (She's 41, married, no kids...I'm 44, single, no kids) We don't talk, email or communicate unless we need to (maybe 5 times a year if that). The only time that I see them is at a family function at our parents place (which is 30 mins from where I live). My mother travels with my sister and talks to them on the phone daily. In addition, there have been times in the past when my sibling and her spouse have come to visit my parents place for holidays and I'm not told (or invited). It's quite evident that I'm not welcome and it really bothers me. If I try to mention anything to my mother, I'm immediately told that I'm blowing things out of proportion and it's not the way that I see it. My mother is in denial of actually how it really is and she is so manipulated and influenced by my sister that I have tended to let it go and know that I can't do anything to change it.

In saying this, I'm looking for feedback from others on how they've handled similar situations. Should a person sit back and live their lives and forget about the others. I've never really had a relationship with my sister and don't miss it...it's the closeness with my mother that I miss (my father passed away so he's not in the picture). I don't seem to have that connection to her that my sister does....this is the thing that bothers me the most and eats away at me daily.

Venting....and interested how others have handled similar matters.

Cruiser

 

[Eva~]

That's sad

I guess I would want to know, has it always been that way, or only since your father passed away?

 

[threepeat]

Make a point of taking your mom out for lunch, supper. At least once a month with at least a weekly phone call or visit. You'd be amazed at how quickly your mother starts to be happy with you again.

When I was younger I think I took my family relationships for granted, and didn't put the same effort into them as I did my friendships. As I got older and hopefully wiser, I realized that -- surprise surprise -- family relationships need nurturing and quality time just like other relationships.

I don't know you or anything cruiser, but based on your post there is still the possibility that your mom mistakenly is under the impression that you want your own space and doesn't want to infringe on your privacy. It's a tricky balance that a lot of parents face.

Maybe it's because I come from a big family, but I have no problem with other family members getting together and not inviting me. I mean, if it's a big occasion like Christmas I would start to get the impression I wasn't welcome, but if it's just the odd shopping trip, no problem at all.

Unless you truly don't want a relationship with your sister, it wouldn't hurt to build that bridge at the same time, especially if she hangs out with your mom so frequently. That way, your mom won't have to "give up" something to see you. Invite everyone over and have a big dinner party

(P.S. the cold calculating part of me says it might be a good idea to build a relationship with your sister anyway to minimize the chance of ugly legal battles when your mom passes away. Just saying...).

(P.P.S. family infighting and grudges are the worst, Try and solve this problem with love and affection first and see what happens. Make sure you make an effort to be fun to hang around with and make sure you let them know you enjoy spending time with them. Making your mom spend time with you just to even things out or out of feelings of guilt is not good for you or for her in the long run. Is there something you've done or you do to make yourself not as pleasant to spend time with as your sister? A bit of self-examination might be healthy here. Again, just saying...).

Good luck and keep us up to date!

 

[TheGuy]

I am the youngest of nine children and pretty much felt that I was on my own. By the time I came along my parents were worn out.

I can relate to the "home Alone" kid. When you come ninth there isn't much time for you.

Actually, I never really let any of it get to me. I think that most parents do the best that they are capable of doing. We are all just human and full of faults - parents are not less so.

My parents were limited as parents because they were limited as human beings, their education and their social-economic place in the world. I think they did the best that they could given the tools that they had.

 

[cruiser]

I can say that my mom and sister are very close...(even though they live 3 hours apart)...they call each other daily and have gone on many trips/vacations together.

For the most part, I can communicate with my mom..and do see her when I can. I don't miss the relationship with my sister...it's not there....I send her an e-gift card from Amazon for her birthday. She comes up for Christmas to see my mom, not me. She does not make an effort to call and see how I'm doing..if I'm alive, dead, etc. She will ask my mom on how I'm doing. She can afford the phone calls...but chooses not to contact me.

There have been times in the past when my sister and brother-in-law have come into town that I haven't found out about it until they've gone home. There was even one time that the three of them (mom/sis/bro-in-law), when to visit an aunt and uncle and the aunt gave everyone a gift when they were going, I didn't find out about it until the next day when my mom calls me and says, "lets meet for lunch, I have something for you"...I meet her for lunch and she gives me this gift...I ask what is it for...and she says that Aunt X gave them last night when we went for supper with sis and bro-in-law. I felt so hurt....why didn't you call and invite me I said. She didn't care.

I have a strong feeling that my mom is choosing to keep us apart....and only talks to me when she needs or wants something.

I'm just venting....I appreciate the feedback.

I guess the one key thing that it comes down to...is that I don't feel that the LOVE is equally shared. Yes, mothers and daughters will always be close, but don't make your son feel like he isn't loved. How can I get that across to her and show her how I feel?

Any other feedback??

 

[wilde]

For mommy issues, go see a therapist!

Seriously, make more of an effort to connect with your mother AND sister. And remember that communication goes both ways. Don't get into the oh well she never calls... frame of mind. If you want something you have to work for it and yes that applies to any relationship as well.

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