Humour Hanging by (another) Thread, II

[Purrr VertIcal]

Ok Ok I'll Post it Here Too!

A notable gynecologist once said,

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Brown Showers?
This boy has an obvious sick and twisted fetish for Pooh.

He's probably a fan of "Deliverance" type activies,
and loves to "squeal like a Piglet"...

Eor! Run while there's still time!

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

"The Rodeo Position"

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds."

 

[belmontkingsize]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds."

Lmao ive heard this one before somewhere before as well. XD

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a game out of it.
He says he'll introduce his mother to three women and see if she can guess which one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to go along with the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother: "OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?"

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies: "The one in the middle."

The young man is astounded. "How in the world did you figure it out?"

"Easy... I don't like her."

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
“I wanna watch.”

 

[belmontkingsize]

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Of Harleys and Vaseline

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.
The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex.

Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

At the In-Call Surplus Store nearest you.

 

[Doggydog]

Las Vegas Working Girl

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye.


He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"


The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."


The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"


The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"


"Yes."


"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"


"Yes."


"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"


"Yes."


"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."


So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."


They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.


He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"


The hooker replies, "$1,500."


"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"


The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."


The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."


Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.


He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.


He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.


He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"


The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.


Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?


"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"


No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."

 

[Doggydog]

Blonde Joke

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!



WAL-MART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

You know what's cool / fun about this? It used to be harder to page thru and locate this thread to refresh/bump it. Now I just look for the (almost) 5,000 viewings!

Sorry if there's unintentional repeats. At this point, I need a staff!
Sometimes repeats could be deliberate, for the goodies!

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

---

Q: Judge to prostitute, ‘‘So when did you realize you had been raped?’‘

A: Prostitute, wiping away tears, ‘‘When the check bounced.’’

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

The ABCs of Ex-Wives :

A is for Alimony ... the gift that keeps on giving.
B is for Balls ... which are now ours again.
C is for Court ... where you finally find out the meaning of a goodscrew.
D is for Divorce ... the alternative to ax murder.
E is for Equitable Distribution ... another oxymoron.
F is for Flatulence ... finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.
G is for Gandhi...someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.
H is for House ... which the bitch also got.
I is for Inmate ... where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.
J is for Jewelry ... the former great equalizer.
K is for Kids ... the best of everything.
L is for Lawyer ... whose most recent vacation you just paid for.
M is for Mother ... and Oh what a Mother Fucker!
N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.
O is for Overdrawn ... what your checking account always was.
P is for PMS ... what we say: "No, honey, you don't look like you're retaining water." ...what we mean, "No wonder there's a citywide drought."
Q is for Quarter ... what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.
R is for Rehearsal Dinner ... should never have stayed for dessert.
S is for Sex ... thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.
T is for Throat ... the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.
U is for UPS ... the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.
V is for Visa ... one of several cards she maxed out.
W is for Wrong ... which you always were.
X is for X chromosome ... I swear some women have more than two!
Y is for Yacht ... maybe the next guy will have one.
Z is for Zirconium ... I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.

---

---
The American Medical Association has weighed in on
the new health care plan being developed by the Obama Team.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington .

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

For as much respect as I keep for Women, I still can laugh at jokes like these. Must be the brat in me...

===

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's obviously been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men... until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

[CJ Tylers]

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Q: What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large.

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike..'

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service.

A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'Fuck you!'

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

BaAad, I know!

Q: Why isn't Patrick Swayze going to make it to the Oscars next year?
A: Because he's not a very good actor.

With the death of actor Patrick Swayze it has been revealed he spent his final years growing a vast array of herbs at his California ranch. This year's particularly clement weather meant he enjoyed a bumper crop of his favourite aromatics shortly before he passed away. His gardener said, "His death was inevitable, but at least before he went he had the thyme of his life."

I heard excited producers are now ready to put Ghost 2 into production.

Q: Whats black and doesn't work?
A: Patrick Swayze's Pancreas.

Is it too soon to ask Whoopi Goldberg if she's heard from Patrick yet?

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

More Wonderfully OFFENSIVE Humour

Man Test

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet... Fag.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat... 'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Yep, you're queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pig’s feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler.