Humour Hanging by (another) Thread, II

[dunnochit]

Interesting Facts If 99.9% is good enough then....

12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily
114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year
18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour
2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year
2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers
Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day
315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled
20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year
880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect
cardholder information on their magnetic strips
103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year
5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat
291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly
3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections
A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds)

 

[dunnochit]

So you want the day off:

Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 251 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours a day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 81 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, that accounts for 23 days a year leaving 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46
days, leaving only 22 days available. You normally spend 2 days sick per year, this now only leaves you 20 days available. You get 5 days public holidays a year, so your working time is now down to 15 days a year. We generously give you a 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work. So if you think you are going to take that day off, You’re out of your mind!!!

 

[dunnochit]

A Guide To Safe Fax

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty one. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you have learned the correct procedure.
Q. If I fax to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on my street where you can go and pay to fax someone. Is this legal?
A. YES! Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a PROFESSIONAL when their need to fax becomes too great.
Q. I fax quite often...Should I use a cover?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you're faxing, a cover should always be used.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly fax and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed for a long time. Just start over. Most fax partners won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a business and a personal fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover each time you fax, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

 

[dunnochit]

Ok last one - Standardized letter for dumping your girlfriend

Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well qualified candidates, such as yourself, also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you
were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.
___ The fact that you needed a calculator to find 15% on a $10 tab demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.
___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over qualified for this position.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.
___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
___ My breasts are bigger than yours.
___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion, but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
___ As a practice I do not normally discriminate against single mothers, and although I understand the youngster was named for her father, I do not think "Sturgis, South Dakota" is an appropriate name for a little girl.
___ Your revelation that you, a 40 year old, had dated your previous boyfriend, an alcoholic, for 16 years raised some serious questions about your mental state.
___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
Your Name (Optional)

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Mwf?

Q: Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years.... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Happy Hunting

A guy is getting ready to hunt when his wife asks if she can go.

"No way. We would be getting up early and you never know what the weather is like. I just don't think you could handle it."

"Please", his wife begs, "you never do anything with me."
"Fine", he sats, "I'll see you in the morning."

The next morning the guy wakes his wife.
"It's four in the morning." she complains.
"That's what time we go", he says, "now move it." So the wife gets out of bed and sees snow all over the ground and refuses to go.

"Fine", says the husband, "for making me pack double the gear and being a bitch you better suck my dick or let me fuck you in the ass." The women abruptly gets on her knees. A few seconds later she pulls her head away.
"Oh, your dick taste like shit!"

"I know", says the husband,
"the dog didn't want to go either..."

 

[Man Mountain]

Just enjoy!

<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qYyy1VUFav0&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qYyy1VUFav0&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Madonna is now in trouble with Jewish Rabbis for using the name of the founder of the Kabbalah in one of her songs. They say their leader's name should only be used in a place where no one will profit.

You know, like in Madonna's movies.

 

[Fullhouse]

"Oooh, Sperminator, you have such a beautiful horse-hung cock!"

"Oooh, Sperminator, I just love a man who smells like a hot and nutritious donair!"

"Oooh, Sperminator, you turn me on soooo much!"

"Oooh, Sperminator, please come back to see me very soon--you are so much fun!"

"Oooh, Sperminator, you don't have to go yet--it hasn't been an hour yet! Stay and keep me company!"

"Oooh, Sperminator, can I have a nude picture taken of you? You are so MANtastic!"

"Oooh, Sperminator, you and I have such great chemistry together!"

.
"Oooh, Sperminator, you are in trouble now !"

"Oooh, Sperminator, you just broke Perb's cardinal rule !"

"Oooh, Sperminator, you're not allowed to post Private Messages !"

"Oooh, Sperminator, Krustee is going to be soooo pissed off at you for posting his PM love notes to you !"

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

iPod

"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope."

-Jay Leno

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Sex Patient

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Some may not survive the Photobucket Censors! Grrr!

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Lil' Suzie ran out to the yard where her father was working, and asked him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her startled father sat her down, and told her all about the birds and the bees. He told her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He went on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thought, what the hell, and went on to tell her the works.

He covered a wide assortment of topics and by the time he'd finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. He paused for a second, then asked, "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs...."

Dear Abby,

I am a 13 year old girl from Kentucky and I am still a virgin.

Do you think my brothers are gay?

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

The Manila Hotel

There was once a Japanese businessman who was engaged in a particular corporate meeting held in a particular business district in the Philippines. As he stepped out of the airport, he hailed the local cab, board it and requested his destination to be Manila Hotel.

As the cab was attempting to make its way out to the main road, a ramming and screeching sound was heard. Out passed a Honda Civic CRX Turbo screaming away from the main junction.

The Japanese remarked. "Mmmm, Honda! Made in Japan, verri powerful. verri faast!!"
Some distance, a white executive sedan whoosh pass along side the cab a high cruising speed. "Ahhh, Toyota! Also made in Japan, verri fasto. Also verri good!, very faast"

The cab-driver upon hearing the comments, look thru the rear mirror and was quite resented over the Jap's proud attitude. At that moment again, another car came ramming fast, overtaking and cutting every car ahead of it. "Mmmm, Mitsubishi! Also Japan, also verri good, very fast. Mmmm!"

It was not long after reaching the designated hotel, the cab halted in front of the lobby door, the cab-driver stared at the meter and proclaimed, "That will be US$239.40, sir!"
"Nan desu-ka! What?", the Jap was astonished.

The cab driver replied, "Er, sir, this meter is NEC, made in Japan, very good and 'very faast'.

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'

Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

The little boy answered: 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.

Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'

Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.

Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies. Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'

The boy asks, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.

The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself... Grandma made these for me.'

 

[jetsam]

Two dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the Veterinary.

One says to the other "What are you in here for?"

"I shit on the carpet and I think they are going to put me down, what about you?"

"Oh, my owner is a strange woman who likes to clean house in a french maid outfit with fishnet stockings. One day I just couldn't take it any more so I jumped on her back and started humping her,"

"So I guess you're fucked too, they will probably put you down."

"As far as I know I'm just here to get my nails clipped and see if something can be done about my breath."