Why sex is fun

[Cock Throppled]

Some men say they like women to talk dirty during sex. I like them to shut up; I'm trying to last a decent time.....Billy Connolly

I was great in bed last night. I never once had to sit up and consuly the manual.....Woody Allen

I used to think a condom was enough protection. I'm starting to wear The Club....Garry Shandling

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves...Richard Lewis

They won't advertise condoms on network TV 'cause it will lead young people to have sex. Like beer isn't the leading cause of sex amongst young people. How many people ever got laid because they had too many condoms at a party?....Jon Stewart

A clerk tried to sell me condoms made of sheep intestines because they have a more natural feel. I said, "Not for Northern women."...Elayne Boosler

I don't even masturbate anymore I'm so afraid I'll give myself something. I just want to be friends with myself....Richard Lewis

Doctors report a medical condition where men allergic to latex condoms report severe swelling. So, what's the problem?...Jay Leno

In 1962 safe sex meant moving the bed away from the wall so you wouldn't hit your head...Dave Letterman

To a man sex is like a car accident, and determining a female orgasm is like being asked, "What did you see after the car went out of control?" 'Well, I remember I heard a lot of screeching noises, at one point I was facing the wrong way and in the end, my body was thrown clear."...Jerry Seinfeld

A psychiatrist told me and my wife we should have sex every night. Now we'll never see each other...Rodney Dangerfield

I was involved in a really good example of oral contraception the other night. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no...Woody Allen

Last time I tried to make love to my wife , nothing was happening, so I said to her, " What's the matter? You can't think of anybody, either?"...Rodney Dangerfield

When I have sex it takes four minutes. And that includes dinner and a show....Gilbert Gottfried

New research shows the more sex a man has, the more he wants. Not only that, it also shows the less sex he's getting, the more he wants...Conan O'Brien

What's the nuumber one fantasy for men? Two women. Fellas, think about it; If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?...Wanda Sykes

 

[oberon1999]

ahhh my daily perb laugh ... thanks

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days".
The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

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oberon