Looking for your feedback

[curiousgirl]

Since you are experienced, interested, or participating in this profession, I hope you can give me some valuable feedback.

My bf is quite disinterested in sex. I love sex, and when I was single, I had frequent sexual adventures. I miss that aspect of life now. I am lucky to get laid once every six weeks, and even then, it is not what I would describe as adventurous, and seldom lasts more than 20 min.

The thing that I find odd is that he spends a lot of online time looking at local pro sites. Yet, he will rarely let me give him a bj, and finds french kissing and oral sex (he never goes down on me) "icky". He says he frequents the pro site to check up on old friends he knew from school who are now pro.

I do love him in all other aspects, but find the lack of sexual passion frustrating. He says he wouldn't mind if I took on lovers, but I don't know if he is being honest with himself in saying that.

He has no history of sexual abuse, and his plumbing works fine, if I touch it, it gets hard. But his mind will not engage and he has no drive for it. He is NOT gay.

He used to be a bodybuilder, and I wonder if the lack of drive is due to a drop in testosterone once he stopped working out.

What avenues do you think I should investigate? Should I seek sexual relationships outside?

I am 37 now, and I don't feel like wasting the last good years of my body's sexuality. I don't know if men would pay to play with me, as I have c-section scars, and only an average physique (5'7, 140lbs, big boobs and no ass) but I sure as heck enjoyed the free sex when I was available.

My previous sexual partners inquire frequently if I am available for fun, which is extremely tempting.

Your thoughts and ideas are appreciated.

Cheers!

 

[rimas]

Several things come to mind, including low sex drive because of possible use of steroids (body building on its own should increase sex drive). But that begs the question, "why is he looking at pro sites if he has no drive?"

The two most obvious ones are (sorry to state this):
1. He's not into you. He may just not be attracted to you anymore and does not know how to end it.
2. He has a hidden fetish or desire that he will not share with you and gets satisfaction through SPs. His reluctance in this area may be for several reasons; he's ashamed of what gets him off, or you may have said something innocently in passing that led him to feel he could not share this with you.

Either way, either you both get couples couselling, or you get your sexy self out there and meet one of the studs on this board for some good ol' fashioned fucking. Sounds like you need it, sweetie.

 

[Klimax]

I'm no Dr. Phil...

but you are a woman who has needs and you have to look out for yourself. If he says you can have other lovers, then go ahead, it doesn't mean you have to tell him all about it. But make yourself happy and don't spend all your time making someone else happy at your expense. Who else is looking out for you?

IF you can separate love and sex then that is great. You say you have ex's lined up? then if you trust them and can have fun with them then why not? If you think you'll feel bad, then don't. Bottom line is that there's no easy answer other than what are you comfortable with? Just look after yourself... I can go on and on...



Oh and how do i sign up for your waiting list? hahahaha

Good luck!

 

[curiousgirl]

Thanks for the responses

I have given consideration to the "He's not into you. He may just not be attracted to you anymore and does not know how to end it." My response to that would be that he never was into it. We have been together a year, and other than the first week, we have had sex on average only once every six to eight weeks. He seems to like my company for reasons other than sexual. I am always the initiator, and he usually declines me.

He is affectionate, (which is not his nature, but he worked on it when I said I needed physical affection, and almost left once)


This is one that I ponder often "He has a hidden fetish or desire that he will not share with you and gets satisfaction through SPs. His reluctance in this area may be for several reasons; he's ashamed of what gets him off, or you may have said something innocently in passing that led him to feel he could not share this with you."

I wonder if he does have some kind of thing for SPs, although he swears he has never been with one sexually, and finds the idea gross. Doth he protest too much? He knows I am game for anything, but he shows NO interest in the kinky side. I have butt plugs and toys, but he will not participate. I like to be dommed, but he will not play any games in bed.

He knows my drive level, and when I openly play with my toys etc, he is only mildly interested.

He does work long hours, and has often the excuse that he is tired. but even when we go away on vacation and he sleeps a lot, he still has no drive.

I have no problem seperating sex and love, but it would be ideal of course if I could have it all. I was married for 15 years, and my ex husband was enthusiastic, driven, adventurous, and he loved me at that time. I guess once you get a taste for that level of experience, you never want any less.

My on call fuck buddies are safe, fun and handsome. They love sex, make me feel hot, desirable and like a goddess. I really miss it. I know they don't "love" me, but we have a hella good time.

Just thinking about it makes me wet goddammit.

 

[chrisdregina]

Oh and how do i sign up for your waiting list? hahahaha

Took the words right out of my mouth...ha ha!

 

[moi]

I dated a guy for quite awhile once and I was only mildly sexually attracted to him. Sometimes, a person dates another not for the sex, but for the convenience. This guy looked good to my parents, ideal husband/son-in-law w/e.

Maybe he is with you for the security but isn't sexually attracted to you. Maybe you are better off just being good friends.

 

[trawler]

Hi curiousgirl

Your first post was how I felt for several years of my marriage. I tried for many of those years to stimualte my Partners libido but with no success, I finally ended the marriage. IMHO love is great but many of us also need sex if you have a high libido or you will start to resent your Partner and the relationship will disintegrate.

I suspect that you have three alternatives:

1. Discuss the issue with your Partner and see if he is willing to participate in a solution;

2. Find the sex to quell your libido somewhere else, with or without his permission; or

3. Move on to a more rewarding and compatible relationship.

I do not mean to be harsh but you are entitled to a life that leads to happiness and fulfillment as well. I assume there are no children involved and financially alternative 3 is viable. In any event, do not waste years trying to make your Partner into something he is not. If you feel very committed than you could learn to suppress your libido, but that would only be a tempoaray solution.

Good luck, I hope you TWO can find a #1 solution. In any event, set a goal and stick with it. Do not waste several years of your life with guilt and lack of action.

My 2 cents...T

 

[rimas]

How would you feel about approaching him with the idea to invite an SP into the bedroom and participate in a 3-some? If successful, it may give you some insight into what moves him.

But, as an outsider, I'm not sure why you are still with him at all. If he's such a nice guy, maybe he would make a better friend than partner.

 

[curiousgirl]

1. Discuss the issue with your Partner and see if he is willing to participate in a solution;

He isn't, he thinks that the way he is is perfectly ok, and isn't interested in seeing a Dr about it.

2. Find the sex to quell your libido somewhere else, with or without his permission; or

Likely for a short term solution.

3. Move on to a more rewarding and compatible relationship.

Probably in the long term.

I do not mean to be harsh but you are entitled to a life that leads to happiness and fulfillment as well. I assume there are no children involved and financially alternative 3 is viable.

I have two kids from my first marriage, but they are well set up with their dad and I have them on weekends, my bf doesn't like kids.

The finances would suck ass, but I have lived on less, ideally it would be after I have managed to sock some money away, as I have no credit cards or loans available. That's why the idea of a cash economy as experienced by SPs is attractive.

Maybe I should get my tummy tuck and explore the SP world for a short time, although I am likely way past it at this age.

The thing that holds me back the most is the thought of being alone, I hate it so much. I love coming home and having someone happy to see me. Coming home to an empty house is sad.

 

[curiousgirl]

How would you feel about approaching him with the idea to invite an SP into the bedroom and participate in a 3-some? If successful, it may give you some insight into what moves him.

But, as an outsider, I'm not sure why you are still with him at all. If he's such a nice guy, maybe he would make a better friend than partner.

I tend to agree with you there, he is sweet and generous in so many ways, but more like a brother. We have only been together a year, so I waited to see if there would be some improvement. So far no, and its starting to cause resentment in that area.

He claims that the idea of actually having sex with a SP is gross to him. I would find it fun, I have played with girls before, and it was fun, so long as I got a poke at some point too. I like girls, but its hard to feel the same intensity with two or three girls as it is when I am the only girl with two guys. He says I can hire one and he would just watch, as it would be too much work to try to please two women.

He says I can bring one of my girl play mates home whenever I like but don't expect him to get involved.

 

[deslicher]

Yup, time to move on, maybe he's gay...lol. Also, he may be intimidated by your sexuality. In my case, I never matched up well with someone who was super sexual, because eventuallly I won't be around when she's really horny and it will be sought out elsewhere. In any event life is too short to waste, even though that seems to be whats happening in my case, but I have come to a resigned acceptance.

It sort of continues to amaze me what people will go through or put up with to NOT be alone.

 

[shuffle]

I tend to agree with you there, he is sweet and generous in so many ways, but more like a brother. We have only been together a year, so I waited to see if there would be some improvement. So far no, and its starting to cause resentment in that area.

He claims that the idea of actually having sex with a SP is gross to him. I would find it fun, I have played with girls before, and it was fun, so long as I got a poke at some point too. I like girls, but its hard to feel the same intensity with two or three girls as it is when I am the only girl with two guys. He says I can hire one and he would just watch, as it would be too much work to try to please two women.

He says I can bring one of my girl play mates home whenever I like but don't expect him to get involved.

Having lived through something simular, talk it over with him and deal with it before moving on. It will be better for yourself long term. That said, for this to be an issue after only a year doesn't hold out much hope for the relationship. Sex at least for me is huge in building the true intimacy, when there is a disconnect it creates strain throughout the entire relationship. If he is willing to talk about it, then in my mind he doesn't care enough to talk about it.

Whatever you do, please be respectful for your sake as well as his.

 

[faust]

Have you ever considered he may be depressed? I've had times where I felt like absolute shit because of stress at work and at school. I have an absolutely gorgeous girlfriend, but I just wasn't interested at all.

If you want NSA sex I guarantee you there are more than enough guys here who would be willing to fulfill that. But, maybe ask yourself how content you'd be if he was the one asking to have other partners. I guarantee if I was feeling like shit, it would make me feel even more like shit.

Like it or not, most guys are hardwired for jealousy.

 

[trentanator]

cant help but wonder

are there really a "guy" like this in the world

i find this hard to believe

you sound like a dream girlfriend to me

come see me i'll be very willing to look after you

 

[ThreeTimes]

ThreeTimes is no expert but he would like to share his personal experience with you.

Sex grows from love. When ThreeTimes is with a lady that he does not really like, he can not enjoy the sex. In fact, the best sex ThreeTimes has ever had was with a provider, not his girlfriend. The provider and ThreeTimes really got emotionally involved and the magic happened.

So, if ThreeTimes was you, he would think "maybe that guy threats me as a sister or as a friend". If you really want a mutual relationship, find someone who loves and cherishes you. Believe me, great sex will come after that.

As to becoming a provider, you really have to think it long and hard. ThreeTimes knows some providers that have deep regret for their decisions. That kind of regret will hunt her for the rest of her life.

ThreeTimes hopes you find what's best for you. Good luck.

 

[itooam1]

curiousgirl .....

What i hear is that you like sex and you would consider being an SP but you lack confidance in your self and body type.Scars, tummy tuck, no ass..etc...as a man i can say men will fuck anything. The men who use SP services arent all buff body builders, some are loners, large types(man boobies) guys who arent geared for relationships,have aquired tastes etc....go for a walk and look at the variety of men out there and then apply that to providing services.You get the whole gammit of men and well in truth there are just as many variety of SP's.
Men just dont go for the ten type, they look for someone they maybe be comfortable with or get the services they require..greek and most importantly PRICE of providers services....i think if you talked to alot of SP's most men are 15 minute men anyways(sorry guys).So even if you consider being an SP that doesnt mean you are going to have men lined up to do you the way you like to be done, in fact you may get what you need or like every fifth guy unless you love giving head..then your set for life...lol.
I would say worry less about boyfriend and more about yourself.If you like sex and have some respect as a women then throw up an ad and you will see how many men will be happy to have a woman of your description servicing them...and in truth i know even if its just a weekend gig for you your still going to make a hell of alot more money than you would working 9 to 5 monday to friday at a regular job and you get laid as often as you like.
I think the only real requirement of being an SP is that you like sex more than money..once it becomes a cash grab, well we know and it sucks..but if its a sex thing we are all to happy to make an appointment,regardless of body type.

 

[curiousgirl]

Yes I have considered that he may be depressed, but he seems generally happy and content.
I have considered he may have low hormone levels, I KNOW he works too much, and is likely tired, but he claims that he has had a lifelong low libido. Just not that into it. Ever. Never or rarely masturbates.

It has now been nine weeks since we have had sex. The last time we did it was about five minutes. He has never learned the finer arts of lovemaking, and has no interest in doing so. I would settle for just boinking sex if I got it regularly. The definition of a "sexless" marriage is one where you have sex less than ten times per year. That's us.

I agree that great sex can grow out of love, but I also agree that love can exist without sex. But then, it is not a sexual relationship or a romantic one. Then it is like living with an affectionate relative.

I have a long wait list of former "on call" boys who are very eagar to be put back on the roster. It's very tempting but I also agree that men tend to the jealous side even if they deny it.

I almost allowed one of the booty boys in tonight, it was very tempting....but I need to resolve this situation in my head first. If he is unwilling to do fuck all about his low drive, I will leave, but I need to set aside some cash first.

If there were a thing that was bothering him as much as I am bothered by the lack of intimacy in the relationship, I would move heaven and earth to try to resolve it. He seems disinterested which is more disturbing than anything.

You ask how willing would I be to share him with other partners? At this point, if I found out that he had other sexual partners I would want to murder him, as he KNOWs how much I want sex. I fucking beg for it and stil get turned down. That would be the ultimate make me a fool. That would be the most cruel blow.

If I were getting it regularly and felt he was sexually attracted to me, I would love to have a three some and would not be at all threatened by playtime. But when I DONT get fuck all for nine weeks it makes me very ornery.

 

[Markl]

He should go get checked for testosterone levels. There is a treatment for it.

 

[curiousgirl]

He should go get checked for testosterone levels. There is a treatment for it.

Yes, he should.