Levity for the day (4)....The Spinster and the Lawyer

[Riddler Diddler]

Sorry - couldn't resist...last one today!

An elderly spinster called a lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I Have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life. People have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!" "But tell me," he continued, "What would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer told his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went in. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out, so she blew the car horn. The upstairs bedroom window opened. The lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, Honey; she's going to let the County bury her!"

 

[Hit Man]

Over in Louisiana Sheriff Boudreaux pays Tibideaux a visit. Sheriff Boudreaux says, "Tibideaux, I got some good news and I got some bad news. Which do ya want first?" Tibideaux says, "Gimmie da bad news first I guess" Sheriff Boudreaux says, "We done found ya wife floatin' in da Bayau this morning." Tibideaux says, "Oh, that is some bad news there. What's da good news?" Sheriff Boudreaux says excitedly, "She had 18 big blue crabs on her and we're gonna run her again tonight!"

 

[Riddler Diddler]

Are they related to the following family?

THE ELEVATOR

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "
;-)

 

[Hit Man]

Once upon a time,in a land far away, A beautiful, independent,
self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn backinto the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, while supping on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
the princess chuckled to herself and thought:

I don't fucking think so.

 

[Hit Man]

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

1) each player shall furnish his own equipment for play--normally one club and two balls.

2) play of a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3) unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4) for most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5) course owner reserves the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6) the object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. failure to do so may result in being denied the right to play the course again.

7) it is bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. the experienced player will take time to admire the entire course, with special attention being paid to the well formed bunkers.

8) players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have or are currently playing to the course owner. upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9) players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10) players should assure themselves that their match is properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11) players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. more advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12) slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at the course owner's request.

13) it is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course several times in one match.

14) players are advised to obtain course owner's permission before attempting to play the back 9.

15) the course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

 

[Riddler Diddler]

That reminds me of this one.....(over to you?)

Flattened Frog.....

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the
sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy
and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not
leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him
to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's,
he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In
the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the
son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
;-)

 

[Hit Man]

This is from a newspaper contest on Long Island. The
requirements were to use the two words, Lewinsky and
Kaczynski (the Unabomber), in a Limerick.
Here are the three winners:

Third place :
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place :
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
Let's not leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

And the winning entry :

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.

 

[Riddler Diddler]

Hit Man - your golfing joke reminded me of this one...

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh god no!" cries the man. "My career is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your
permission before I go ahead with the transplant"

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great." said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors".

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a success."

"Well there is one problem," said the golfer, "every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!"
;-)

 

[shawna]

**just thought i would post one**

A local prostitute was brought before the court for solicitation.
The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was
claiming not guilty when she had been caught in the act by police.
The judge questioned her, expressing her surprise.

"I am celibate." the young woman declared.

"Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed. "How can you claim you are
celibate?"

"It is my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a bit
there....."

**tee hee**

**shawna**

 

[BS Detector]

Hey Riddler. NO!!! DOn't stop (bet you never thought you'd hear a guy yelling that to ya). I love the jokes and have already saved two. Only reason not more is cuz I already have. This is much better than reading some insulting moron so please keep em coming. Also see if you have any Christmas joke to add to my thread. Thanks, and same to everyone else who added to this thread!

 

[Hit Man]

The Ant and the Grasshopper
ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and
laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and
well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and
laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands
to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while others
are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with
food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries
when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the
news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the
group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten
rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on
the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act,"
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to
hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his
retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation
suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of Federal judges
that Bill had appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The
ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the
ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the
ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant
has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now
abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful
neighborhood.

 

[Hit Man]

Little Johnny's Train...
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son (little Johnny) playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,,,,,
"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop!!! All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're headed down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told little Johnny,,,,,
"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, little Johnny came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,,,,,
"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and I hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue...
"For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train, we hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile and return to her work, little Johnny suddenly added,,,,,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"

 

[Riddler Diddler]

Hit Man...your joke reminded me of this one....

Big people words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk "You need to use big people words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana," he said.

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo," he replied.

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

She then asked Ron what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Ron thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
;-)