Humour Hanging by a Thread

[Purrr VertIcal]

How about we start a thread with our newest or best jokes? Anything is fair game...if something offends you, you shouldn't be here. Don't spam the thread with piles from your files. Just an occasional original or classic.

Here's one I just read...

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President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.

 

[trackstar]

Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[schizo_man]

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Two More!

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.'

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. 'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.'

This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confessed, 'Not with a carnation.'

=======

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

 

[lil'miss mischa]

teehee! stupid but hey a giggle never hurt right?

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

.........................................................................................

how about some cocktails? you bring the cock and i'll bring the tail

 

[Purrr VertIcal]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he ins isted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

[spinynorman]

Two Aussie mates wanted a night on the town but couldn't dig up enough change between the two of them for a can of beer.

"I know, mate!" the one says to the other. " We'll go down t'pub, drink as much as we can, and when it comes time to settle up, I'll whip this beef sausage out me zipper, you go down on me, an' the bartender be so disgusted, he'll chuck us out without paying!"

"Bloody brilliant, mate!" The other says.

So the two blokes visit a bunch of pubs, and sure enough, each time they have to pay, one whips out the sausage, the other starts gobbling it, and the barmen are so disgusted they throw them out.

After about ten pubs, one drunk Aussie says to his mate, "Mate, I've about had all the free beer I can stand. That, plus me knees are aching from going down on that sausage!"

The other Aussie just nods his head. "Good idea mate, seeing as I lost that sausage about five pubs ago."

 

[aznboi9]

A Day in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

 

[56andfixed]

The End is Near

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[56andfixed]

Friends

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[56andfixed]

Find "X"

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[56andfixed]

Where Baby Planes Come From

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[56andfixed]

This thread has been a good idea

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[56andfixed]

3 stages of a man's life

Tri weekly


Try weekly


Try weakly

 

[56andfixed]

Speeding Ticket

Bob: "I just got a fucking speeding ticket"

Tim: "How fast were you fucking?"

 

[56andfixed]

Mottos of the World Wide Institute of Service Providers

We don't give a fuck for nothing.

Our customers always come first.

 

[56andfixed]

Rooster Deception

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot of the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom!, he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn it... third gay rooster I bought this month."

 

[56andfixed]

Chicken Bells

<IMG src="http://webyippie.com/whoadango.com/index_files/29j%20Egg%20Business%20846K.jpg">

 

[56andfixed]

Medical Advances

A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in 6 weeks.'

A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way behind. We are about to take a Muslim with no brains, put him in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work in one week.'

 

[56andfixed]

How Tight ??

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