Emotional foolishness, dating game, how do you guys do it?

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I've reached this exact same decision - to not remain what I've been so far (shy, nervous, with only half-a-personality). Pushed by parents into this 'isolation', I never acquired these vital personality traits. I am not sure if my qualities are suppressed or non-existent. But either way, I need to discover or re-discover them and cultivate them. Only problem, so far, has been that while I am able to force myself to step out of my comfort zone, I find myself getting too attached too quickly (even when, in my mind, I am just practicing hanging-out). And I get into mourning phase when I get rejection (strong hints of rejections). Didn't you have to deal with this hurdle too? How did you get past this emotional-attachment phase?

I've never had the problem of emotional attachment. I don't know why, and some people envy me but most call me cold or callous. I don't think I am callous because I listen to people and consider myself empathic, although I do view things in a very different perspective. It's just that some of the things certain people make a big deal out of seem rather trivial to me, especially in the grand scheme of life. (Of course I don't say this aloud in keeping the spirit of empathy )

Like Harmony-bc said, it's hard to form emotional attachment with people you barely know, so maybe it's just that you have a strong desire to share your genetic materials with whomever you think you are emotionally attached? Extremely attractive, smart, healthy women (maybe men too?) with a cool attitude and wicked sense of humour have that effect on me as well, but I do recover within a few hours. Why not try an experiment? Next time you find yourself emotionally attached, go see an SP who is superior in all facets (looks, demeanor, wits, etc.) that matter to you. After the session, determine whether the attachment still lingers.

The other problem (but not a big one) is that I get bored of small-talk very quickly. Seconds. I enjoy discussions over technology, politics, religion/atheism and so on but I am clueless as to where Britney Spears concert is (apparently there was one in Vancouver few days ago) and these topics seem to be more common. But it's not a very big problem, I can easily correct it by glancing over entertainment and sports sections of Google News.

I would enjoy discussing these subjects as well. I, too, have no clue with most sports events (maybe except the Olympics, World Cup Soccer, etc.) or which Hollywood personality is getting divorced for the 10th time. When I've got some time, I do try to listen to people talking about them as I might learn something new (though 95% of the time it's time wasted...). I wouldn't worry about this. If my friends were to give me problems for not keeping up-to-date with Paris Hilton's latest African adventure or Canucks' latest period, I don't think they would be my friends in the first place. Just choose the appropriate conversational partners according to the subjects.

One night stands aren't all that great. If you want easy sex, see sps. Save yourself the heart ache. In the meantime, sps, can take some of the sexual tension away. Then you can relax a little and enjoy girls for the wonders, they are.

Could you define some of the 'wonders' you referred to? After the sexual tension is released, do guys still chase around girls (except for the purpose of scheduling the next tension-relief get-together)? When I was in the university, whenever I felt the occasional 'urge' to get a girlfriend, I'd ask myself what the real motivation was besides sex and companionship. Because sexual needs and companionship can be met by SPs, I stayed single since I didn't see the point of getting a girl attached to me, and I still don't (maybe someone could enlight me).

I have friends that seem to be able to just freely have sex with whom ever they want to. I can't do that. I need to be friends with someone before I sleep with them. For me its about respect. If I am being paid, I am in control, it is a business transaction. Other ways, I would end up feeling used and cheated, its not for me.

Not everybody can be a slut. lol

I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I got a girlfriend for the sole purpose of sex. I am also wary about friends with sexual benefits because who knows if they will request to become girlfriends. To me there is little difference between getting into a relationship because one wants 'free' sex or is afraid of being alone as none of these really provides a solid foundation from which a relationship is built and grows.

What you say is true to some degree but you also need to remember one thing. The Chinese culture is extremely competitive & very "showy". There is IMMENSE pressure in the family circle to be successful and if you are the male in that circle, the onus is on you to provide. This is especially true of middle class Chinese that like to try to one up each other.

This is true. I have taken out the one-upmanship mindset long ago, but I still see my family and relatives and some friends do it. It's actually funny now when I see them do it. Their attempts to solicit a response or reaction from me always fail as I no longer participate in the antics. Unfortunately my parent still leaks out info I like to keep private, so I am beginning to adopt the motto 'trust no one' .

 

[Thais]

Only problem, so far, has been that while I am able to force myself to step out of my comfort zone, I find myself getting too attached too quickly (even when, in my mind, I am just practicing hanging-out). And I get into mourning phase when I get rejection (strong hints of rejections). Didn't you have to deal with this hurdle too? How did you get past this emotional-attachment phase?

Have you thought about counseling or tried it? I have very high emotional intelligence and most of the time, I know why I feel the way I feel or how to affect it. However, there are also some things that confuse me, and I found the help of a professional psychologist to be invaluable for such situations. To me, they pointed out angles or links I have not seen before, or recommended certain books that were life changing - so I went for a couple of sessions, and then felt I had enough to keep working on my own.
Best $160/per hour I've spent.

The other problem (but not a big one) is that I get bored of small-talk very quickly. Seconds. I enjoy discussions over technology, politics, religion/atheism and so on but I am clueless as to where Britney Spears concert is (apparently there was one in Vancouver few days ago) and these topics seem to be more common.

Hear, hear... Small talk leaves me completely clueless. So I know for sure that there are girls out there who like interesting discussions. I just have no idea how many or how common it is.

 

[magicmystery]

You are not geeky at all, (cute, actually).

If Harmony thinks I am not geeky then I must be not. I used to give out geeky vibes when I was in high-school but it changed as I started university, started my own company (I sold it several years ago, have a job now) and so on.

Like everything you learn from school, trial and error. Then you make your corrections/adjustments.
Nobody likes rejections or whatever, but it's just a part of life.
Security vs Insecurity.... it's all about confidence. You feel more "secure" as your experiment more. Crash, burn, rinse, repeat.

Yep. I agree this is the only way.

I've never had the problem of emotional attachment. I don't know why, and some people envy me but most call me cold or callous. I don't think I am callous because I listen to people and consider myself empathic, although I do view things in a very different perspective. It's just that some of the things certain people make a big deal out of seem rather trivial to me, especially in the grand scheme of life. (Of course I don't say this aloud in keeping the spirit of empathy )

Interesting. I think in a similar manner when I ponder over these things. In grand-scheme of life, a lot of things are really insignificant (oh well, chaos theory would hold nothing is insignificant). But as a participant in life (and game) I lose track. I'd try to remember this though.

Like Harmony-bc said, it's hard to form emotional attachment with people you barely know, so maybe it's just that you have a strong desire to share your genetic materials with whomever you think you are emotionally attached? Extremely attractive, smart, healthy women (maybe men too?) with a cool attitude and wicked sense of humour have that effect on me as well, but I do recover within a few hours. [Why not try an experiment? Next time you find yourself emotionally attached, go see an SP who is superior in all facets (looks, demeanor, wits, etc.) that matter to you.

Not men. Seeing an SP helps but I feel like I failed myself, I lose respect for myself when I find myself unable to approach or unable to close with an extremely smart, attractive, beautiful, thoughtful woman. It's embarrassing. Why didn't I make a move on the girl I obsessed about? In ancient times, I couldn't possibly have passed on my seeds if I am this sissy. Thanks to all this technology, education, culture etc that I am still alive. lol.

If my friends were to give me problems for not keeping up-to-date with Paris Hilton's latest African adventure or Canucks' latest period, I don't think they would be my friends in the first place. Just choose the appropriate conversational partners according to the subjects.

Yeah, I wasn't talking about friends. I was talking about girls that I don't know yet and I don't want to have a relationship with. One night stand kind of thing. If the girl turns out to be interested in similar things as I am then it might lead to a relationship later.

Have you thought about counseling or tried it? I have very high emotional intelligence and most of the time, I know why I feel the way I feel or how to affect it. However, there are also some things that confuse me, and I found the help of a professional psychologist to be invaluable for such situations. To me, they pointed out angles or links I have not seen before, or recommended certain books that were life changing - so I went for a couple of sessions, and then felt I had enough to keep working on my own. Best $160/per hour I've spent.

Never thought about it. I am not into self-help books or self-help sessions. But you are right, a session like this might help. I've a friends who know counselors. Maybe I'd informally talk to them at a party or some place. $160/hour is steep. How many hours did you spend?

Hear, hear... Small talk leaves me completely clueless. So I know for sure that there are girls out there who like interesting discussions. I just have no idea how many or how common it is.

Yeah, but small-talk is kind of an important skill. Breaks the ice, relaxes you/your body language. Weeds out people you don't feel compatible with. If other person is interesting, then it should naturally lead to proper-talk (about topics of common interest). So, I think it's an important thing to learn.