I guess this an off shoot to my shittiest thing you've ever had to do at a job thread a couple of years back. I don't know if anybody read this stuff but I loved writing it. BTW I've had like 50 jobs.
When I worked in a cabinet shop I had this asshole supervisor who treated me and this group of Russians who worked in my department like shit, even though we were the most efficient division in the shop by leaps and bounds. He used to ride this one dude Genna particularly hard, even though he was the nicest man on Earth and worked circles around us all. He just happened to be a dead ringer for Alfred E. Newman, and our boss brought it up daily. One day I let Genna leave early so he could take his wife to the hospital. I took care of his work load, it was no big deal. Right after I punch out my boss yells "WHERE THE FUCK IS ALFRED E. NEWMAN? THAT COCK SUCKER AINT CLOCKED OUT YET." When I told him that I had let him cut out early since we didn't need him and his wife had to go to the hospital and she couldn't drive because she had no license he went ape shit. My boss was a big man, 6'3 close to 3 bills, so when he got upset EVERYONE knew about it. He starts saying some shit about sending Genna back to Russia with a fur hat shoved up his ass and other such nonsense. So I gave Genna a call when I got home and told him to keep a low cover tomorrow morning and wait for this shit to blow over. Genna's response was a bit odd. He said "Tomorrow all this shit will blow up." I figured he was trying to say blow OVER, on account of his English being not so good. The next morning I get to work and smell something burning. I thought one of the jerk offs in the mill were pouring acetone on rats they caught and setting them on fire, which was their favorite past time. Then the fire sprinklers kicked on. I stick my head around the corner and see Genna throwing bottles of lacquer thinner and acetone into the bosses office, which is fucking blazing away. Everyone starts running, and I grab Genna by the arm and drag him outside. The boss comes running outside screaming about someone kicking the ass of whoever did this. He starts grabbing whoever is closest to him by the neck and asking them if they did it. After doing this to 3 people Genna says in the greatest tone of voice I have ever heard "I set your fucking office on fire, you dick ass." Genna always had trouble with English insults. My boss gets nose to nose with him and says "I'll see to it that your worthless Russian ass gets sent home. You, your ugly kids and that fat whore wife of yours." As soon as the words came out of his mouth Genna put all 5 feet 3 inches and 150lbs into the greatest right cross ever thrown in a place of business. My boss was knocked the fuck out, and Genna just went and sat down under a tree, waiting for the cops to show up. Genna went to jail, but since he was a legal citizen they couldn't send him back to Russia. The cabinet shop closed 8 months later, and the boss now has lung cancer and has about a year to live.
Before that, I worked at a Chapters in the mall, and we used to get bunches of people going into the "Love And Relationships" book section and jerk off to--even on--the books. From 14-year-old kids to 50-year-old retarded guys, we cleaned up a variety of sperm in that section.
While drywalling one day our big boss walks in the garage, I am talking the multi-millionaire, that writes the checks. He proceeds to ask this really old guy "How are you doing today, sir". The old guy just totally flips out and says "What the fuck do you mean? What am I doing, I'm eating lunch I'm allowed". So the boss kind of does a double take and says "Ok". The old guy than takes whatever the boss says out of context and start throwing bologna slices, and cheese slices at the bosses head. While doing this he starts screaming "See you motherfucker, lunch" the crazy part is we didn't even get fired.
I used to work at an IGA as one of the cart guys. We had this one guy work with us for a while named Frank who was in his fifties and pretty small, I'd say about 5'2" or so and about 140-150lbs. He also didn't have a drivers license and talked kind of funny. We had a water cooler and they'd let us get Gatorade from the store and mix it. A couple of us walked in on Frank mixing the Gatorade with his arm. We were like "Frank, what are you doing" he just looked at us and said "Couldn't find a spoon". We'd do all kinds of dumb shit like spraying WD40 on the cart handles, and the Mary Jane bread guy was a dick so we tossed some tires on top of his truck one time and stole his hood ornament.
Worked as a security guard and nabbed some 18 year old woman got nabbed with about $380 worth of cosmetics, and clothes. Well, I guess she was really pretty nice for someone about to be booked, and prosecuted on felony theft. But she was just so timid and nervous. Then there's a slam at the door outside the office. There was this psychotic, booming voice outside the door. "Open this fucking door!" the voice yelled. When the door opened it was her father, who stormed right up to her face and yelled as loud as he could, "You fucking stupid bitch! I swear to god I'll fucking kill you for this!". Well, I guess they told him to go outside, and calm down, to which he still screamed a slur of obscenity to his daughter. His freakin' daughter for crying out loud.
While I was working in a warehouse, we had this one piece of shit guy who talked openly about how he was a gang member and if anyone "fucked" with him he'd kill and them and all this shit. He'd never show up to work, and when he did he'd half ass it all the time and leave his power jack in the middle of the aisles so no one else could go by. So my boss Sean got pissed off one day after this guy hadn't come to work for 3 days straight and when he did he had left his power jack, full of stock, in the middle of an aisle fucking everyone else up.
So Sean starts going through the warehouse trying to find him, to no avail. Everyone just assumes he left, but as Sean is going to pick up his power jack the guy shows up. Sean starts yelling, asking where the fuck he's been and stuff like that. The guy tells him he was smoking a joint at the back of the warehouse and asks Sean what he's going to do about it. Sean tells him he's fired and starts walking back to his office when the guy picks up his boxcutter, pushes the blade out and THROWS it at the back of Sean's head. It missed his head, but got caught in his back and three of us rushed this guy to hold him down till the cops were called and arrived.
At this same warehouse this guy Greg, had to come in on one of his days off. He was pissed off about it, which is understandable, so he was slowing down all day and generally making it tough for everyone else trying to work. Finally a Somalian immigrant at work starts yelling at him in the lunch room about it. I can promise you that insults in English from someone who can't speak it that well is probably one of the best things ever. He starts telling Greg he's a "bag of shit" and a "lazy cock sucking whore". Greg obviously gets angry and tells the guy he think's his wife is a stupid fucking cunt and he's tired because he spent the previous night fucking her. Well you can probably imagine how well that went as a fight quickly broke out with Greg getting thrown into a pop machine and destroying it.
And this last one isn't so much insane just more like hilarious. I worked with this one complete douche bag named John who was about 50 or so. He was typical of a lot of welders who've worked on the rigs in that he seemed to hate his life and complain about every little thing. Except mini-bikes and McDonald's hockey cards. When the cards came out this year he spent every single break for 3 weeks straight telling us about going to McDonald's all over the city every day after work and buying like 50 packs at each one. He never caught on that no one cared. And then he bought a mini-bike. And the sight of a 50 year old man riding a mini-bike, thinking he's the coolest guy in the world and not realizing everyone in the shop was outside laughing at him rather than admiring him was the greatest thing ever. He started doing wheelies cause he was sure we were being impressed, and then wiped out and fell right on his ass.
Human Services-wise I watched an EMT pull a pencil sharpener shaped like Ms Piggy out of the vagina of one of the residents. I also walked in on two residents giving each other hand-jobs while another resident was on the floor waiting to get cummed on.
And that's about it actually.
When I worked in a cabinet shop I had this asshole supervisor who treated me and this group of Russians who worked in my department like shit, even though we were the most efficient division in the shop by leaps and bounds. He used to ride this one dude Genna particularly hard, even though he was the nicest man on Earth and worked circles around us all. He just happened to be a dead ringer for Alfred E. Newman, and our boss brought it up daily. One day I let Genna leave early so he could take his wife to the hospital. I took care of his work load, it was no big deal. Right after I punch out my boss yells "WHERE THE FUCK IS ALFRED E. NEWMAN? THAT COCK SUCKER AINT CLOCKED OUT YET." When I told him that I had let him cut out early since we didn't need him and his wife had to go to the hospital and she couldn't drive because she had no license he went ape shit. My boss was a big man, 6'3 close to 3 bills, so when he got upset EVERYONE knew about it. He starts saying some shit about sending Genna back to Russia with a fur hat shoved up his ass and other such nonsense. So I gave Genna a call when I got home and told him to keep a low cover tomorrow morning and wait for this shit to blow over. Genna's response was a bit odd. He said "Tomorrow all this shit will blow up." I figured he was trying to say blow OVER, on account of his English being not so good. The next morning I get to work and smell something burning. I thought one of the jerk offs in the mill were pouring acetone on rats they caught and setting them on fire, which was their favorite past time. Then the fire sprinklers kicked on. I stick my head around the corner and see Genna throwing bottles of lacquer thinner and acetone into the bosses office, which is fucking blazing away. Everyone starts running, and I grab Genna by the arm and drag him outside. The boss comes running outside screaming about someone kicking the ass of whoever did this. He starts grabbing whoever is closest to him by the neck and asking them if they did it. After doing this to 3 people Genna says in the greatest tone of voice I have ever heard "I set your fucking office on fire, you dick ass." Genna always had trouble with English insults. My boss gets nose to nose with him and says "I'll see to it that your worthless Russian ass gets sent home. You, your ugly kids and that fat whore wife of yours." As soon as the words came out of his mouth Genna put all 5 feet 3 inches and 150lbs into the greatest right cross ever thrown in a place of business. My boss was knocked the fuck out, and Genna just went and sat down under a tree, waiting for the cops to show up. Genna went to jail, but since he was a legal citizen they couldn't send him back to Russia. The cabinet shop closed 8 months later, and the boss now has lung cancer and has about a year to live.
Before that, I worked at a Chapters in the mall, and we used to get bunches of people going into the "Love And Relationships" book section and jerk off to--even on--the books. From 14-year-old kids to 50-year-old retarded guys, we cleaned up a variety of sperm in that section.
While drywalling one day our big boss walks in the garage, I am talking the multi-millionaire, that writes the checks. He proceeds to ask this really old guy "How are you doing today, sir". The old guy just totally flips out and says "What the fuck do you mean? What am I doing, I'm eating lunch I'm allowed". So the boss kind of does a double take and says "Ok". The old guy than takes whatever the boss says out of context and start throwing bologna slices, and cheese slices at the bosses head. While doing this he starts screaming "See you motherfucker, lunch" the crazy part is we didn't even get fired.
I used to work at an IGA as one of the cart guys. We had this one guy work with us for a while named Frank who was in his fifties and pretty small, I'd say about 5'2" or so and about 140-150lbs. He also didn't have a drivers license and talked kind of funny. We had a water cooler and they'd let us get Gatorade from the store and mix it. A couple of us walked in on Frank mixing the Gatorade with his arm. We were like "Frank, what are you doing" he just looked at us and said "Couldn't find a spoon". We'd do all kinds of dumb shit like spraying WD40 on the cart handles, and the Mary Jane bread guy was a dick so we tossed some tires on top of his truck one time and stole his hood ornament.
Worked as a security guard and nabbed some 18 year old woman got nabbed with about $380 worth of cosmetics, and clothes. Well, I guess she was really pretty nice for someone about to be booked, and prosecuted on felony theft. But she was just so timid and nervous. Then there's a slam at the door outside the office. There was this psychotic, booming voice outside the door. "Open this fucking door!" the voice yelled. When the door opened it was her father, who stormed right up to her face and yelled as loud as he could, "You fucking stupid bitch! I swear to god I'll fucking kill you for this!". Well, I guess they told him to go outside, and calm down, to which he still screamed a slur of obscenity to his daughter. His freakin' daughter for crying out loud.
While I was working in a warehouse, we had this one piece of shit guy who talked openly about how he was a gang member and if anyone "fucked" with him he'd kill and them and all this shit. He'd never show up to work, and when he did he'd half ass it all the time and leave his power jack in the middle of the aisles so no one else could go by. So my boss Sean got pissed off one day after this guy hadn't come to work for 3 days straight and when he did he had left his power jack, full of stock, in the middle of an aisle fucking everyone else up.
So Sean starts going through the warehouse trying to find him, to no avail. Everyone just assumes he left, but as Sean is going to pick up his power jack the guy shows up. Sean starts yelling, asking where the fuck he's been and stuff like that. The guy tells him he was smoking a joint at the back of the warehouse and asks Sean what he's going to do about it. Sean tells him he's fired and starts walking back to his office when the guy picks up his boxcutter, pushes the blade out and THROWS it at the back of Sean's head. It missed his head, but got caught in his back and three of us rushed this guy to hold him down till the cops were called and arrived.
At this same warehouse this guy Greg, had to come in on one of his days off. He was pissed off about it, which is understandable, so he was slowing down all day and generally making it tough for everyone else trying to work. Finally a Somalian immigrant at work starts yelling at him in the lunch room about it. I can promise you that insults in English from someone who can't speak it that well is probably one of the best things ever. He starts telling Greg he's a "bag of shit" and a "lazy cock sucking whore". Greg obviously gets angry and tells the guy he think's his wife is a stupid fucking cunt and he's tired because he spent the previous night fucking her. Well you can probably imagine how well that went as a fight quickly broke out with Greg getting thrown into a pop machine and destroying it.
And this last one isn't so much insane just more like hilarious. I worked with this one complete douche bag named John who was about 50 or so. He was typical of a lot of welders who've worked on the rigs in that he seemed to hate his life and complain about every little thing. Except mini-bikes and McDonald's hockey cards. When the cards came out this year he spent every single break for 3 weeks straight telling us about going to McDonald's all over the city every day after work and buying like 50 packs at each one. He never caught on that no one cared. And then he bought a mini-bike. And the sight of a 50 year old man riding a mini-bike, thinking he's the coolest guy in the world and not realizing everyone in the shop was outside laughing at him rather than admiring him was the greatest thing ever. He started doing wheelies cause he was sure we were being impressed, and then wiped out and fell right on his ass.
Human Services-wise I watched an EMT pull a pencil sharpener shaped like Ms Piggy out of the vagina of one of the residents. I also walked in on two residents giving each other hand-jobs while another resident was on the floor waiting to get cummed on.
And that's about it actually.
