To the men

[Hypnotic_Ivy]

Dear Men and or Women,

I hear alot of chatter about how men prefer spice in their lives. They like change. If let us say you are looking for your wife, are you looking more for compatibility, just as much as looks? And for a mistress, are you looking more for looks and less for compatability?

To me it seems that a man, when he wants to have a person to spend more time with, either a wife or a constant mistress, he is looking for a good balence of the two worlds. Someone he is attracted to, but also someone he can enjoy his time with, and doesn't want to strangle after some time with them.

Would men, please be kind enough to tell me what they look for in mistresses they plan to see on a regular basis, is it more of a physical spice up your life, or is it someone just different from the norm?

This thread can easily be made for women as well, please let me know what you look for in a mister. (If men have mistresses, women have misters??)

 

[georgebushmoron]

The mistress would have to ignite my passions without regard to responsibility and future plans. That is, the relationship would be based purely on promoting the love/passion and should have nothing to do with: 1) plans for something more permanent, like marriage, 2) plans for a common home, 3) plans for children, 4) sharing of assets. To promote love/passion, the focus would be upon activities that: 1) are adventurous, 2) widen personal horizons, 3) bring peace and tranquility to the heart and soul of both, 4) inflame deep set emotions, 5) constantly change role playing.

 

[Maury Beniowski]

The term mistress is derived from the French word, maîtresse. As an example, it is widely believed that most French married men have a mistress, that she is mostly accepted by their wives as a necessary evil, and that mistresses contribute to the general well-being and mental stability of their husbands. The practice is so permeated into the national fabric and psyche, that talking about it will only draw yawns. When ex-President François Mitterand died in 1996, many outsiders were shocked to see his mistress standing alongside his wife, and being driven in the second limousine behind his cortège. For state functions, his wife was always in attendance. However, after work, Mr. Mitterand went home to his mistress, and his illegitimate daughter. Everyone knew this in France, but it went unreported, because it is the norm there.

Many other countries follow the same practice - more or less, but the French have it down to a science. Whereas in North America, we continue to harbour puritanical principles, even as the institution is collapsing around us. It's not about the occasional romp, or tryst. It's about change. Not every extra-marital relationship is founded on sex. As one grows older, the lady that the boy took a shine to, is not necessarily the same lady that is now the apple of his eye. If his wife is able to adapt and change to match his maturity and needs - or lack thereof, they may still continue to thrive in a monogamous relationship. However, nowadays that is slowly becoming the exception, not the rule. The excuses of tolerance and give and take are no longer good enough. It is sometimes expedient for a "perfect couple" to cultivate a phony facade for the benefit of others. But it really is not healthy for the human spirit in the end. Better to recognize the differences, and find solutions that benefit both parties.

Some will chime in and say that this is a perfect example of selfishness from a man's point of view. But nobody said that the opposite is not true...

 

[LonelyGhost]

The bottom line for me is that i would want to marry someone who i could 'live with' (ie, wouldn't drive me nuts) and would make a good mother to any kids we produced.

On the other hand, for a mistress I would want a woman who thinks having my cock in her is the highlight of her day! and isn't afraid to tell me that.

At the same time, if my wifey wants some young stud to keep her happy, i'm all for it!

The BS that marriage is monogamy is just too much ... no one can meet all our needs and why do we believe that for the rest of our lives?

So to finally answer the original Q: A mistress should simply have the best attitude of any woman any man is ever going to meet ... the rest is just window dressing. Same with an SP ... good attitude beats good looks any day! And if you have both, yippee for me!

 

[Cock Throppled]

Men want different. Not better,sexier, smarter, younger, older - just different. Even if you were living with Pam Anderson or Angelina Jolie - chances are you'd boink the chubby hairdresser or homely nanny given the chance.

 

[American Male]

Hey, Ivy. Great thread, sweetheart. You are such a thoughtful, young woman. I really enjoy your presense here on Perb. And other places!

To answer your question, I think a long-term relationship with a mistress would have to be someone I would characterize by the contemporary phrase, "A friend with benefits."

Being in a marriage relationship contains more financial concerns and the idea of two lives being brought together under one roof. Two lives into one, if you will. Making a home together, building some mutual financial stability, etc. Planning for the future of children, if the couple has children. Protecting the children, building for their future. There is also the issue of not sleeping alone. This is an underrated aspect of marriage, in my opinion. As someone who has been sleeping alone for the past 5 years, I can tell you this is the part of marriage I miss most. Eventually, in every marriage I have ever known of, the emphasis shifts away from sex and more towards the issues above. If this happens in every marriage known, it must be the natural order of things.

Having a relationship with a mistress is more about intimacy and companionship. Intimacy is not always the same as sex. Intimacy is about delicate touches, holding hands, secret whispers shared over coffee in a cafe. Intimacy is about soft kisses on the neck, a firm, yet gentle hand on the inside of a bare thigh. Intimacy is pushing aside the hairs that have fallen into the eyes, wiping away the tears of loneliness and regret. And yes, intimacy is also about sex.

Often, married couple get so caught up in details of living, they forget the intimacy aspects that make life worth living. I think both husbands and wives need that intimacy with someone. So, I think this is not just a thing for men to enjoy. Ivy is right to suggest (well, sort of a hidden suggestion) that many wives need a mister (I like that) as much as husbands need a mistress.

So, the mister/mistress is about adding spice to one's life, but not just physical spice. Emotional spice as well.

 

[youngninnocent]

If I had a little on the side it would only be for sex... good sex...mind blowing sex!

But we would both know that is all it was for.

I love my wife and she is my bestfriend (barf) but that's the truth and you can't deny that there are some people that just turn you right the fuck on when ever you see them. I don't care how your day was or what funny little thing your cat did today I just want to be in you...that's it, that's all, that's all it will ever be.

Maybe I'm a pig (oink) but there is something about that I find to be pretty fricken sexy.

 

[American Male]

If I had a little on the side it would only be for sex... good sex...mind blowing sex!

But we would both know that is all it was for.

I love my wife and she is my bestfriend (barf) but that's the truth and you can't deny that there are some people that just turn you right the fuck on when ever you see them. I don't care how your day was or what funny little thing your cat did today I just want to be in you...that's it, that's all, that's all it will ever be.

Maybe I'm a pig (oink) but there is something about that I find to be pretty fricken sexy.

You know, there are many ups and downs over the course of a long-term relationship. That would also be true, I think, of a relationship with a mister/mistress. There are certainly time when all I think I would want to do with my mistress is fuck her. Just imagining how that would be: I stop by her apartment after work (calling beforehand, of course, to let her know I'm coming and what I want). When she opens the door, I might rush in, grab her by the back of the head, kiss her hard on the mouth, and start to take her clothes off. "No talking," I might say, "I just want to fuck you." And I do. Hard. Right there in the entry way. Or in the living room. The next time I see her might be for supper and some dancing at our favourite club afterwards.

I don't think you're a pig, y.i. I just think any long-term mister/mistress relationship, which seems to be Ivy's interest in her initial post, has to be multi-dimensional. Sex would be a big part of that relationship, to be sure, but I don't think it can be the only thing in the sort of relationship Ivy is interested in talking about.

 

[CJ Tylers]

In a mistress? Hrmmm... to be honest, were I a married man... I wouldn't be looking for a mistress I'll leave that to others.

In a wife.... ah... I prefer to call her a partner more than anything else... and no, I haven't found her yet. Looks do matter, I suppose, it's only natural. To me, however, attitide is more important. I like to get out and do physical things (admittedly, I'm not doing them now...but I've got nobody to show off for eh?).

If she has a healthy interest in taking care of herself, but isn't overboard... this is good. If she appreciates and shares many of my interests...this is good as well. If she wants to share in activities with me, this is necessary. If she understands that people need privacy and time alone in order to grow/relax... this is important.

In short, someone who is a match in attitude and desire. Sexuality is very important... though I expect intimacy would grow in time, I certainly am not the kind to demand such things in the beginnings of a relationship... it just gets in the way.

Honestly, it's hard to define what we really want. After all, my heart flutters every time I see a cute young lady with the right curves and long flowing hair... more so for brunette and dirty blond... even more for those who are thin and shorter than myself with a friendly smile.

Is she (any of em) what I really want? Who knows. Maybe... but what do I really know anyways?

 

[Maury Beniowski]

Over time, most mistresses seek more in the relationship than to be a mere fuck-toy. Even with men in the halls of power, they lie in wait for the day when they may become number one. That is their underlying objective. Most mistresses btw, are extremely bright women. An excellent modern day example of this is Camilla Parker Bowles. Once she has attained this objective, she must now fulfill two roles; she has to merge the lady with the wench, a challenging task indeed. Monotony can set in easily on both sides, leaving his Lordship with a carbon copy of what he left behind, and casting his eyes askance once more.

There is a good tragic film on this somewhat related topic titled "Da hong deng long gao gao gua" or Raise the Red Lantern, made a few years back starring Gong Li as Songlian. In it, she enters the relationship as the fourth wife or concubine. It is a fine story of the role they played in Chinese households, and that parallels somewhat the role of mistresses, although mistresses tend to be more discreet.

Once a society discards monogamy, as Canada is considering doing, legal harems cannot be too far behind.

 

[DJLAW]

Men want different. Not better,sexier, smarter, younger, older - just different. Even if you were living with Pam Anderson or Angelina Jolie - chances are you'd boink the chubby hairdresser or homely nanny given the chance.

dude, maybe you would but not me.

for me pooning is just a way to keep sane till the next GF/SO comes along. i have no problem with fidelity after that.

i realize that here, on this board, im in the minority.

 

[jokae]

I have to agree with DJLaw

 

[necko]

I think Mr. DJLAW is right on

 

[john23]

I wouldn't cheat on a partner but I think marriage is bunch of baloney.

Instead they should have the equivalent of the residential tennancy act for people who have kids. The idea of the RTA is that is covers any rental agreement. It provides the basic ground rules for renting real estate to another party. Similarly, if you have kids it should be clearly described in common law what your rights and obligations are. There should be clear penalties when you do not live up to your obligations not this divorce court BS. We can test for paternity so its not likely people would be able to wiggle out of their obligations.

Instead of celebrating before you spend a long time with someone why not have a celebration when you reach your 10th, 20th etc anniversary together. That's an achivement. Getting a bunch of presents and then breaking up 2 years later is a joke (happened to my cousin - twice).

I know this is a bit off topic but the reality is that about 30-35% of people male or female prefer to have multiple partners. Some of those partners are going to be better parents than others. Some are going to be better lovers than others. The characteristics that make someone a better lover aren't the same as what might make someone a great parent (eg you don't have to be especially good looking to be a good parent).

The short answer is I've never been in a situation where I wanted to cheat on someone so I have no idea what I'd prefer in a mistress. I think, contrary to what one might assume, looks are actually less important and chemistry, sexual compatibility, is more important. Actually, you'd be surprised how important taste is ...