Massage Adagio

Humour Hanging by (another) Thread, II

Purrr VertIcal

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Another Attempt to start an ongoing Humour Thread
for all to participate in and e n j o y.
Please post your best Humour encounters,
that are meant for a majority of people to enjoy.
Hopefully people can keep visiting this thread like 'The Daily Joke' places,
as the thread floats along.

Cheers! Enjoy! and...Thanks!

(Note: I let the other similar, previous,
thread die off because certain people didn't show respect,
and ruined it for everyone).


==============

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well

Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
 
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Purrr VertIcal

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.'

That's the last thing I remember.


---
A man was seeking to join the local Sheriff's Department. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six gang-bangers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" asked the applicant.

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"


 

Purrr VertIcal

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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies - like an arrow. Fruit flies - like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


===========


Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'
 

Purrr VertIcal

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An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing whose's service is better and whose troops are the bravest? The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, " My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossiple" as he raeches for the phone.

Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promply calls for his best soldier.

When all three representives have arrived, the Admiral states "Since it was my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course.".

The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned runnig towards the cliff. After performing a triple-linddy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.

The Marine General says "that wasn't nothing," and turning to the Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff,then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."

And with that the Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs.

The Army General then says "Very nice gentlemen, but heres true bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says "I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side."

The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away.

The General turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says "Now gentlemen, thats BRAVERY."


==========

 

Purrr VertIcal

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Tower (to pilot after landing): "Just to let you know, on the approach you were a little bit left of the centerline."

Pilot: "That is correct, Sir. And my first officer was slightly to the right."


 

Purrr VertIcal

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Q: What would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today?

A: We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death.


 

Purrr VertIcal

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Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?'
Customer: 'I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Walmart Employee: 'What you want on the cake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.
 

Purrr VertIcal

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=================================

Logic

Two farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, ‘‘You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.’‘

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

‘‘Logic?’‘ Jim says. ‘‘What's that?’‘

The dean says, ‘‘I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?’‘

‘‘Yeah.’‘

‘‘Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.’‘

‘‘That's true, I do have a yard.’‘

‘‘I'm not done,’‘ the dean says. ‘‘Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.’‘

‘‘Yes, I do have a house.’‘

‘‘And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.’‘

‘‘Yes, I have a family.’‘

‘‘I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you're likely a heterosexual.’‘

‘‘I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.’‘

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

‘‘Logic?’‘ Bob says, ‘‘What's that?’‘

Jim says, ‘‘I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?’‘

‘‘No.’‘

‘‘Then you're a queer.’‘
 

Purrr VertIcal

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PMS - be afraid...be VERRRY afraid!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr.. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. .

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
 

Purrr VertIcal

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It was mealtime during a flight on Air Canada.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.
 
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Purrr VertIcal

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A man and wife are having a serious life conversation, discussing wills, their future, insurance, health issues, etc.

The man says to the wife,
"I've thought about it a lot, should I ever become a vegetable, I want you to pull the plug."

The next day, she sees him in the living-room, and, remembering the conversation from the previous day, unplugs the TV.



"The Ring... my Precious...the Riiiiiiinnnng. It's ours it is..."
 

Purrr VertIcal

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Free Grill !!!

GRILLING TIP!

I have just found out there are many stores (not just in the South) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q grill! In these tough times free useful items are very welcome.

You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:
A&P
Albertsons
Costco
Dan'sFood
LionFry's
Home Depot
Big Lots
Brookshire's
London Drug
Lowes
Publix
Safeway
Sam's Club
Tesco
Target
Vons
Trader Joe's
Wal-Mart
Winn-Dixie



Especially innovative is the higher rack -- which can be used for keeping things warm! Just make sure to get a metal one... the plastic ones don't do so well.Grilling Tip: As every Southerner knows, with spring coming, it will be time to get ready for that all-important cooking technique of the south --- outdoor grilling!
 

Avery

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The bag lady

An old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darnn it!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'

'Well, now, not so fast,' said the cop. 'Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no, no', said the old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?' So now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden shears.

Every time some guy sticks it through my fence, I surprise him and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' said the cop, laughing. 'OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', said the little old lady, 'Not everybody pays.'
 

Purrr VertIcal

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Marijuana Pepsi Jackson



...and you thought Frank Zappa's daughter, "Moon Unit" had it rough?


She swears — her name is Marijuana Pepsi Jackson

BELOIT, Wis. — Police years ago pulled over a young woman who rushed through an amber traffic light. “I’m about to arrest this person right now,” the irritated officer radioed to a dispatcher. “She’s telling me her name is Marijuana Pepsi Jackson.”

It’s the truth. Marijuana and Pepsi are her legal first and middle names, and the Beloit woman embraces them as a symbol of her struggle to succeed and to help other children overcome obstacles.

No Mary or Mary Jane or Mary Wanda for her. It’s Marijuana, thank you, she’s told bosses, co-workers and friends over the years, and even wore it on nametags at work.

This tall, striking, self-assured, motorcycle-riding woman is a schoolteacher with a master’s degree in higher education administration. Soon, she’ll start work on her doctorate.

All of her achievement came despite that smoky, carbonated name. And partly because of it. No one named Marijuana Pepsi gets lost in the crowd.
“Everybody I meet says this: You’re nothing like I thought you’d be,” she told me when we sat down for an interview in Beloit last week.

These days she goes by Marijuana Sawyer, the surname of her ex-husband from Georgia, where she spent 10 years before returning to Beloit in 2008 to fulfill a promise to make a difference in her hometown. She has a 6-year-old son named, mercifully, Isaac.

Sawyer’s mother, Maggie Johnson, picked her name. Her father objected but lost the argument. To this day, a lot of family members and best buds call her Pepsi.

“She said that she knew when I was born that you could take this name and go around the world with it. At the time as a child, I’m thinking yeah, right. You named my older sister Kimberly. You named my younger sister Robin,” Sawyer said.

I’ve tried several times over the years to find Marijuana - the person, that is. When I was a cub reporter at the Beloit Daily News in the early 1980s, there was a rumor around town about an elementary school girl named Marijuana Pepsi Jackson or maybe Jones.

Some people swore that pot and Pepsi were her mother’s two favorite things. Others claimed a mix of both coursed through her bloodstream when the child was conceived or born or both. You’ll find chatter about this on the Internet.
Sawyer’s aunt, Mayetta Jackson of Chicago, clearly remembers when the name was picked in 1972. The newborn’s mother and father were products of the post-Woodstock era when reefer was rampant.

“And they would cool off with a Pepsi,” she said, which makes you think it’s lucky for Sawyer that it wasn’t Coke instead. “I thought it was crazy,” her aunt said about the name, “but they were such fun-loving people that it suited them.”

A couple years later, Sawyer’s father, Aaron Jackson, put all that aside and became a Jehovah’s Witness. The marriage ended. Young Marijuana lived with her father in Chicago until she was 9 and then moved to Beloit to a much less stable home situation with her mother.

The girl in her torn clothes and wild hair failed in school and was teased about her name, especially in junior high.

“Every single class, the teacher is taking attendance out loud, and as they slowly get down through the J’s, I’m just like here it comes. ’Marianna? Marijuana?’ And all the students turn to see who it is,” she said.

Later in life, it wouldn’t get any easier when she tried to order tickets over the telephone or fill out paperwork. People thought she was joking, or they wanted to hit her with 20 questions about why she was called that.

Sawyer left home at 15 with a few belongings in a pillowcase and began staying with relatives and friends. She cut out the truancy and started working on her subjects, and her grades shot up.

She gives a surprising amount of credit to her mother for making her resilient and resourceful. “She instilled in me that fighting attitude - never take no, you can do anything,” Sawyer said.

By high school, her name was cool to many. “They were like, ’Oh yeah. Man, I wish I had your name. I love that. I’m going to name my kid after you.’ I hear that so much and I go, Lord, please don’t do that to that child.”

Sawyer was the most improved student at graduation in 1990, and she received a $12,000 scholarship to the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater, where she studied to be a teacher. She was invited to a White House conference in 1995 and met President Bill Clinton, who swears he never inhaled.

In 1998, she got a job teaching elementary school children in Atlanta. She also sold real estate there. It was the one time in her life that she went by MP Sawyer professionally because the name Marijuana was freaking out the customers and causing her for-sale signs to be stolen as souvenirs.

Over two semesters and a summer, she earned her master’s degree from Georgia Southern University and moved back to Beloit with her son in May. She plans to fund a scholarship bearing her unique name.

At the moment she is a substitute teacher at a variety of city schools (“I heard of you!” the students will say), but she’s looking for a job in academic advising and admissions at a college or university, preferably near Beloit. She has no doubt that her difficult childhood and the way she tenaciously rose above her name have helped her to reach kids with problems.

Carlton Jenkins was a teacher at Beloit Memorial High School when Sawyer attended there, and he’s the principal now.

“They could make a movie about her,” he said. “I could almost write a book on Marijuana myself in terms of a young student who’s been so resilient and taken even her name and made it into a positive. We’re so very proud of her. She’s exactly what any kid in America needs to know about someone who can truly make it if they put their mind to it.”

Sad to say, Sawyer is not close with her mom these days, but she’s thankful for the many teachers and role models who helped her blossom, even with a name like Marijuana Pepsi.

In case you’re wondering, she said she never once smoked the stuff and prefers orange soda.
 

Purrr VertIcal

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Guiness Genius

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys aren't having a beer, then neither will I."

========

 
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