Would like some opinions/advice from those with girfriends/wives

[badbadboy]

And I know people probably may think that I must be fat, ugly, dumb and prude, but I'm not. I'm 30 but look 25 and I know that men check me out when I go out. From reading the reviews and real photos, I'd guess that physically, I definitely measure up to the standard SP or possibly the better-than-standard SP (I tend to have low self esteem), and I also offer greek and would be willing to rim/cof as those are the only things we haven't done in bed together. (I'm not sure rimming is his thing, but I'm very open.) I cook, I clean, I work, I give him the gfe and pse as much as I know how to. I can still make him laugh and we still have good conversations and hang out a lot together. I know he loves me. I don't think it's possible to fake the connection that we have. Please feel free to take my word for it or laugh in my face and refute any of this.. at this point, I can't tell if I'm totally deluded about the generally good state of our relationship or that he's really good at compartmentalizing.

So my questions...
1. Have any of you been in this situation? (ie. not busted or busted by a wife/girlfriend) Did you ever feel guilty?
2. What's the least uncomfortable way to confront him about this? I've tried to have the conversation very indirectly, but it hasn't produced any results.
3. Would you ever stop pooning for someone you love? See a couples counselor?

Thanks in advance. You are all gentlemen and scholars.

I don't get it really especially the part of going out in the middle of the night to seek a SP. Generally speaking the good quality SP's keep "normal" hours while the ones who are working through the night are either girls coming home from a club and need some extra cash or are drug addicts open 24/7. Seems his wants are more edgy than you want to realize.

What does he say when he comes home after seeing a SP in the middle of the night? The excuses must be incredulous.

Things just don't add up for me. A wife who is willing to partake in many things some husbands only wish for is available at home while he has to go looking for tweekers in the middle of the night.

If you are the real deal, you could of course get some paid for revenge sex here on Perb. ound:

 

[tantalizeme]

Fascinating thread

Creepy psycho stalker question for anyone: Are 2 phonecalls, a few minutes apart, each lasting 1 minute seem like protocol SP booking? Again, thanks in advance for any PMs and replies.

@vancity_cowboy: You're right. I'm a pretty intelligent person, and forgiving and loving to a fault. I hope that he knows this too, that any shame or embarrassment or problems he's got with me, I'm a stand up person who will take responsibility for what I can and be there, not to judge, but to love unconditionally. Sounds lame, but it's true. I wish there were a way for him to truly know this with all his heart so that he wouldn't feel like he needs to do this.

@Hatrick: Thank you. A part of me knows it's not my fault, but I try and deny it because I just wish so badly that there were something -ANYTHING- I could do to make this situation better for both of us.

Hey sister,

Once in a blue moon we get an angry post from a pooner's distraught wife—but it's certainly not your kind of humble request for feedback.

You sound like a savvy, sweet-natured lady, judging from the tone in which you present your story. I especially applaud you for not seeing us pooners as evil, but the way most of us really are: normal men from all walks of life who just happen to enjoy sexual variety.

Predictably, the heartfelt advice you've received on this Board is all over the map, ranging from "be honest with each other" to "just turn a blind eye"; from "it's probably your fault for not being sexually exciting enough" to "this has nothing to do with you"; and from "try to breathe fresh ideas into your marriage" to "divorce the bastard."

I totally agree with comments made by vancity_cowboy, Hatrick, Playful Alex and Sucre: your husband's pooning is unlikely to reflect any shortcomings on your part.

There's an almost inevitable progression of male-female relationships from erotic passion to boredom, which is mostly a function of evolutionary wiring, brain chemistry, the addictive reward of dopamine and opiates that are released in the brain upon sex with someone new.

And there's really no lasting cure for what psychologists call "marital boredom"—only the dilemma either to give up an exciting sex life or else to open the relationship to sex with others.

So your post hits close to home for many of us, who have wives or GFs. Some, like esteemed brothers Sucre or Lost-In-Japan, swear by pooning discreetly behind their SO's backs. Great this approach works for them.

But I personally find dishonesty in an intimate relationship so repugnant that I couldn't be happy knowing I'm living a lie. The path of "don't ask don't tell" may be desirable for the sake of raising children in a stable home, but luckily neither you nor I face this challenge.

I'm still with my SO after quite a few years, in large part because I shared my sexual fantasies with her early on, and she agreed that sex with others is okay as long as I pay for it. We've gone to swinger clubs together and done quite a bit of same-room play with others.

And whenever I feel like talking about sex—which is frequently—she never makes me feel like a dirty pig, but jokes along, giggles sweetly, teases me about wanting to fuck this or that female acquaintance, and displays no trace of judgmentalness. Way to go, baby!

Like Hatrick, I know that only permission to poon makes a long-term relationship with a woman possible for me.

I believe that a husband's pooning may actually strengthen a marriage. Old-fashioned, possessive monogamy may have been a good breeding arrangement in the past, but nowadays I think it does far more harm than good in most cases.

So if I discovered my partner's "cheating" and wanted to save the relationship, I'd definitely be having "the talk"—if necessary, with the help of a counselor. I think there's no single best answer for how to proceed in your sort of situation; there're too many variables. I could steer you toward one of the best counselors in this field (not myself). It's 180 bucks an hr, though...more than my SPs.

If your relationship is strong in other ways, it can endure the vicissitudes of sexual straying. If not, it should probably end, but hopefully—unlike so many endings—without acrimony.

You deserve exactly the same sexual freedom your husband claims for himself (and finding lovers, without having to pay them, will be a 100 times easier for you than for him).

Right now you seem to do a lot of snooping into your husband's phone records. My advice: cut that out. Do not muck around in your partner's backyard.
---

You sound exceptionally smart, so your husband is probably too. Let me recommend two fine books that may help:

Eric Anderson, The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating http://books.google.ca/books/about/The_Monogamy_Gap.html?id=YR5QgNY_9c4C&redir_esc=y

Naomi Wolf, Vagina: A New Biography, http://naomiwolf.org/vagina/

 

[PlayfulAlex]

I was just talking to a friend whose sister is going through a divorce because her brother in law cheated on her. And wanna know what she said? She said that it was her sister's fault. Women have desireable bodies and it is up to the wife to keep her husband from straying and jumping into the bed with another woman. Perhaps you should look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself what you did to allow your husband to cheat on you. Maybe you didn't do your wifely duties.

Ruby, this is possibly the stupidest response to your query, thus far. Fortunately, the poster thinks you're a troll, so it's very likely that he's not serious in his estimation of the situation.

I am aghast that, in this day and age, some people still think like this.

Where's that thread about the rape victim and her partner being at fault for her rape...because they were on the bus late at night...?

Oh yeah, it takes two to tango, but not like this...

 

[shyboy123]

This is a very interesting thread. There sure is a lot of variety of opinions. All I can offer is my perspective.

First off, I am very sorry that you are in this situation. You must be going through an incredible range of emotions. It sounds from your posts that you are doing your best to figure out how to handle a bad situation. Good on you for looking around and reaching out to such an interesting community for feedback instead of buying a shotgun.

I am sure he loves you and has no intention of leaving you. No one here can say for sure, but if he is discreetly seeing escorts rather than shamelessly chasing random girls for hook-ups he probably does value what he has with you and has at least a shred of common sense and decency.

I would agree with the above posts that men are simply wired and tempted to propagate, despite willingly entering into monogamy. We are brought up with these values and they sound great. It's kind of like a former alcoholic trying not to drink one day at a time. Not every man is successful at keeping temptation at bay. There will be times when it is no problem, years perhaps - But then he will fall off the wagon due to stress, mid-life crisis, too many nice asses around, you name it. This does not mean he does not love you and wants to leave you. If we was a complete jerk to you and treated you badly and was disdainfully picking up girls all the time then I would say your marriage is on the way out, but if he is trying to keep it discrete he probably is just trying to have his cake and eat it too.

Try to keep in mind that he chose you, lives with you, and is making a life with you. Sex with someone you love is definitely the best, but sex with a variety of hot young girls, whenever you feel like it is pretty damn nice too. Try to think of it like indulging in chocolate when you are on a strict diet. you know you're not supposed to, you will try not to eat too much too often, but damn it was good even if you feel guilty after.

Confronting the situation is likely to get pretty dramatic. I know a guy that got busted. I guess someone his wife knew saw him coming out of an establishment that was known. Gossip started, it got ugly. She was really embarrassed socially (I am sure he was too). They separated for awhile, got back together and it has never been the same. If he even is facing the same direction of an attractive women his wife loses her shit and the evening is pretty much over. All trust is gone, and she probably thinks about his screwing around every time they have sex or any topics around cheating come up. Miserable.

You need to think what is important to you, and what you hope to salvage from this. It's safe to say the fairy tale prince charming happily ever after is toast. That does not mean that you two cannot be happily married. If you love each other, you will work through it. Honesty and good communication is paramount here. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO BLOW SHIT UP. If you stew on this it will not be healthy for you. If you tear into him it will also not likely give you the resolution you were hoping for.

As a man, I would give you the following advice:

If you need to confront the situation, don't corner him. You will both squirm and he will be likely forced to lie and promise not to do it anymore. You both will be a mess. If you can stomach it, adopt a "don't ask, don't tell" philosophy. In a direct, but non-confrontational way, tell him that you know what he is up to. Before he gets into the "what do you mean?" shit we always do, just say that you don't want to talk about it, but you need to lay down the rules. What are these rules you might wonder? A few have been mentioned above:

1. Don't EVER bring any shit home - no fluid exchange or bareback anything. That is not fair to you, and actually pretty gross if he has a partner. You should not be exposed to any risk.

2. Be discrete. It's like fight club. You don't talk about fight club. Tell him if he ever lets on to buddies or gets spotted it will be socially disastrous and you would be forced to act on his indescretions. Use a different phone, etc. Basically what you don't know should not hurt you. This means he still should lie his face off to you, because you are actually never going to approve, condone or give permission for this. If he actually gets caught with his pants down shit will hit the fan.

3. It's both of your wealth, don't squander it, don't get carried away by going all the time or spending too much on other girls. He should spend it on you or for both of you first, then extra cash or put away small amounts for occasional escorts. If you are having trouble with your mortgate, cannot go on regular vacations or enjoy time together he should not have the discretionary cash to spend on other girls - That's just him being a selfish asshole. Perhaps every time he sees an escort he should put away the same amount of $ as a savings to buy you something or do something together.

4. Tell him that it is still supposed to be you and him together, against the world. You're a team. Not perfect, but you expect him to hold up his end of the bargain, and you make compromises too, every day. It's supposed to work, never easy, but worth it.

All of this from a guy that has rarely had a successful long term relationship, is very good at meeting the wrong girls, and sadly gets more out of seeing escorts. Single not by choice, but by destiny (and many flaws and bad decisions). So you can take all this with a grain of salt.

I truly wish for you to both work out some sort of manageable compromise so your marriage works...

PS - if you are a researcher or student digging for the psychology of men who sleep with escorts, or a troll then just fuck you for getting me all wordy and shit.

- SB

 

[rubytuesday]

*laughs*
To everyone in general, I'll say it again, I'm not a troll and I sure do wish I could be in this very moment so I wouldn't have to deal with all this. What fun it would hypothetically be if all this weren't real. But it is. And in spite of that, a lot of your replies have left a good-natured smirk on my face and the thought "LOL, well Ruby, you DID ask for it, didn't you?". What can I say? Inappropriate humour is probably my favourite coping mechanism.

@PlayfulAlex: thanks for your words. Yes, I've done my fair bit of trolling back in the day, so being accused of being a troll in this situation amuses me at most. Unfortunately, I think that many people who are not a part of your community probably think that that's how pooners think. But I know to take some of these replies into consideration, others with a grain of salt, and others in good humour.

@SB:

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO BLOW SHIT UP. If you stew on this it will not be healthy for you.

Yes, I'm definitely not the type of person to blow shit up, and more the type to bury it deep and try to deal with it myself instead of stir the pot. And, it isn't healthy for me and I feel it. Lack of sleep, anxietyanxietyanxiety, chainsmoking, etc.etc.etc. but hey, I've heard that women are wired to carry burden and brought up to eat shit, just as men are wired to do what many of you have said, bang. Doesn't make it right, does it? And after I say that, being the woman I am, I'm going to say "sorry, I'm not trying to stir the pot and start an argument here, just trying to voice my opinion."

you are actually never going to approve, condone or give permission for this.

Well, I'm not entirely sure about that. I don't doubt that I come off intelligent in this thread, but I'm sure that my pathetic-ness, if it's not right here on the surface, has seeped through. There's that comedian who said "Women stay in a relationship for a year. And they think 'this relationship stinks! Well, let's stick around for 2 more years and see how bad it can get!'" It's a funny and sad self-realization for me that I'm not quite sure what to do with right now.

If you are having trouble with your mortgate

*sigh* I will be an eternal renter. :-/ But yes, you do bring about a good point in terms of finances. I could go on to describe our financial situation, but it's ...complicated. (surprise, surprise.)

Single not by choice, but by destiny

Bullshit, man. You won't believe how many messed-up chicks there are out there waiting to love the shit out of you. <- That wasn't meant to be mean or sarcastic, but rather reflective of the fact that pretty much EVERYONE is messed up and once you know how messed you are and accept it, you'll be able to find another messed-up person and accept them, and vice versa.

if you are a researcher or student digging for the psychology of men who sleep with escorts, or a troll then just fuck you for getting me all wordy and shit.

Your time spent typing wasn't wasted.

 

[yazoo]

I'm going to assume that it is not troll - there are enough guys with SO's who are seeing SP's that a wife with a cool head on her shoulders will pop up eventually.

I see SP's because it is thrilling. The act of meeting a complete stranger, and anticipating that in a few minutes she will be naked and 100% for me (with nothing required in return except cash) is an absolute, total high. Those first 30 seconds when she opens the door and I see a babe all dressed up just for me -- it is a high that you cannot duplicate in a relationship - even with role-playing. Personally I don't think I could give it up even if I said I did.

So it doesn't replace anything in the relationship. He's found a fairly safe drug that makes him high.

Props to you for counting to ten though. Thinking before pulling the trigger on that 'talk'.

The way you perceive your relationship and your view of monogamy and relationships in general may be getting a bit of an adjustment. Regardless of your actions, you will think differently because of this. I think that you are totally on the right path. Give yourself a little time to understand the new reality and how you want to live in it.

All SO's are accepting of each other's failings. I'm sure he accepts things about you that aren't perfect. It's just some 'failings' are too big to accept. You have to decide for yourself whether this is one of them.

 

[Tugela]

Reading Rubytuesday's posts, she has to be either:

A) A student in a sexuality class in college trying to conduct a study in a very unethical way. If that's the case, Ruby, you have not gone through the proper procedure to ask these questions or use them in your paper. Considering the sensitivity of the topic, you will get caught and will have your academic career ruined.

B) Troll. It's a little slow here

If, and that's a big IF, Ruby is actually real, if the husband is a good provider, a good father, a good spouse and you guys have a good sex life, then turn a blind eye. It actually might be saving your marriage. I was just talking to a friend whose sister is going through a divorce because her brother in law cheated on her. And wanna know what she said? She said that it was her sister's fault. Women have desireable bodies and it is up to the wife to keep her husband from straying and jumping into the bed with another woman. Perhaps you should look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself what you did to allow your husband to cheat on you. Maybe you didn't do your wifely duties.

So, the husband cheats, and its the wifes fault? Way to go blaming the victim!

She has some responsibility if she is not making an effort, but the cheating is HIS fault entirely. He chooses to do that, not her.

This sort of reminds of the discussions regarding drunk girls being taken advantage off.

It is funny how people's attitudes change when the mark is hitting closer to what THEY are doing. Then they do a 180. Hypocrites.

 

[perbertwilly]

So, the husband cheats, and its the wifes fault? Way to go blaming the victim!

She has some responsibility if she is not making an effort, but the cheating is HIS fault entirely. He chooses to do that, not her.

This sort of reminds of the discussions regarding drunk girls being taken advantage off.

It is funny how people's attitudes change when the mark is hitting closer to what THEY are doing. Then they do a 180. Hypocrites.

Tug, finally! Phew! You should have used this right-thinking logic in the What Evil Anti-Sex Society is Killing These Girls thread! You had a brain-warp in that one blaming the rape victims for their tragedy and said that the rapists were not entirely at fault.

Logic confusion can strike us at the worst of times, but I'm glad for you because there can be redemption for hypocrites too.

 

[perbertwilly]

You sound exceptionally smart, so your husband is probably too. Let me recommend two fine books that may help

Tant, are you a feminist?

You've read these books so you must be exceptionally smart too.

 

[wildboys]

everyone here is raising valid points. The only thing I have to add is IF you decide to stay and allow your husband to see SP's, then please, please make sure he does things 'protected' and that you also get tested on a regular basis, especially if during your own marital trysts, things are done bareback. It would be be extremely be unfair to receive something from you partner because of his 'fun'.

The other option would be to be present during his 'trysts' to ensure he is using protection, or go to swinger clubs with him...most swinger clubs are pretty strict on the fluid exchange policies.

 

[Sleepmonger]

Reading Rubytuesday's posts, she has to be either:

A) A student in a sexuality class in college trying to conduct a study in a very unethical way. If that's the case, Ruby, you have not gone through the proper procedure to ask these questions or use them in your paper. Considering the sensitivity of the topic, you will get caught and will have your academic career ruined.

I came up with the same theory while reading through the first few posts of this topic. The odd thing with that assumption is that the due date for such a project would be coming up rather quickly. If she were the type of student who would bother to go through the amount of effort required to actually compile a questionnaire, and analyze responses from a relevant board such as this, vs. the apparently standard practice of students using falsified data, I find it hard to believe that she would begin collecting her primary research at such a late date. However, secondary research on the topic could explain her familiarity with, and the non-chalant use of, fairly board specific terminology, especially in an introductory post… It's hard to say.

I doubt that she's a regular member on the board looking to drum up some interesting conversation. As most of the perbs here wouldn't come up with the line "My husband (who I have children with) has been seeing SPs about once a month in the middle of the night, usually after a night of drinking with friends." As I believe was mentioned earlier, it is pretty hard to find an SP willing to meet "in the middle of the night," especially with new clients, and double especially if it's obvious that client has been drinking with friends. Perhaps I gravitate towards a different type of SP.

While I am curious, I guess it doesn’t really matter who you are or why you've decided to post this here. I am bored, and have things that I might as well add to the conversation.

First of all, if the quote on drunken midnight encounters was correct, this has been going on for a while, and you two have had sex regularly, I would hope you've seen fit to have yourself tested.

Second, how did you find out about it? Do your kids know? My wife grew up in a household where it was common knowledge that her father was openly cheating on her mother on occasion, without her mothers consent. While I cannot say whether or not the effect of this on her views toward monogamy or sexuality has been negative, it has had a significant effect.

Third,

You're married to a guy who weighed the risks and decided that losing you is acceptable. Every man who cheats knows that if they get caught there's a chance they will lose their SO. He's thought about it, he's weighed the risks and he's doing it anyway.
That's all you need to know; everything else is bullshit.

This is completely true, while he may have decided that if he were caught he would not lose you, he should have at least understood he would lose some of your respect and trust. He has decided those are acceptable losses in exchange for a late night drunken fuck. Maybe he feels guilty, but if he's done it more than once, probably not all that guilty.

Then there is the fact that you know. Other than financially, this hobby isn’t something that's all that difficult to hide from an S.O. The fact that you apparently know the specific dates and times of these meetings tells me he doesn’t care enough about your feelings to keep it a secret. My wife actively encourages me to seek out encounters with a specific types of other women, and even then I have the common courtesy to not let her know if I ever have.

Fourth, a lot of people on here have been telling you it's not your fault, and a few have gone the other way and said it is entirely your fault. I believe that these opinions are both bullshit. Yes men are hardwired to seek out or want multiple partners, or at least something new once in a while, but to act on that impulse, with the knowledge that you do not condone the action, means that he has lost respect for you, or interest in you somewhere down the line. I cannot begin to guess why that may be… if you can find someone competent, I'd suggest seeing a marriage counselor to sort things like that out. One observation on my end however; you seem to have a fair bit of familiarity with forums, enjoy conversations such as this, admit to trolling on other sites, yet also have children, cook, clean, and work… How much time do you actually spend doing things together? Maybe your sex life is great, but that’s not all that matters in MY relationship. You apparently admit, in a manner where it comes off where you feel that your actions are normal, to spending time looking through reviews and posts to compare yourself with other SP's to the point where you have familiarized yourself with the lingo around here. Perhaps you spend a bit too much time at the computer? Just a thought.

 

[mimi]

rubytuesday, I love that handle.

I was an escort, then a mother and wife, then back to escorting and now a retired old dame with a ton of life experience.
You are 30 years old and raising children; tough job. I call those years "the dirty thirties" because, at that time a woman is likely to stop suddenly, look around, and ask: "What am I doing here? Who am I? Where am I going?" It is a decade of some strange sense of dissatisfaction that one cannot put a finger on. In our twenties we seem to know exactly where we are going and what we want...but, after the first flush of family raising, we begin to wonder if this is all there is; I mean, it could be great, but, what if hubby isn't on the same page? What if all the work and sacrificing and stress is gonna end up for nothing?

I have had many tearful coffee chats with women in that age group who have struggled with unfaithful husbands; women who were pretty awesome wives, (and hawt!)and didn't understand how their life partner could let them down (these husbands had 'girlfriends', not sps)

One woman I know hit the age of 35 and finally said to me "I am tired of trying to twist myself around to suit him. I am tired of competing" She booked a solo trip and spent a weekend doing something she was interested in and left her hubby to take care of the house...no explanation. She actually met a very young fellow and started an affair. She would take a weekend off every now and again and come back very happy. Her husband got very suspicious of her happiness as he knew it was not on his own account.
One day she told me: "He is trying to have sex with me again...he is actually being nice and not bitching about stuff"..yes, he could smell the happy hormones, he was puzzled, he was jealous. He began to see her as a desirable woman, not a handmaiden he would have perpetually at his beck and call. He felt threatened that he might actually lose her to a 23 year old guy (he snooped through her cell phone logs). Long story short...she gave up the 23 year old and he gave up the accountant and they actually had a better relationship.

I am not recommending her path to you. I just wanted to point out that what she did was more than just having an affair. She chose to make her own path, to do things for herself from that point on. She still cooked the fantastic dinners, packed her husband incredible lunches, did everyone's laundry, cleaned the house until it shone, managed her pack of independent and strong willed children, but she took time for herself outside of the family. She asserted who she was as a separate human being.

It is easy to lose who you are in a relationship. If you lose who you are then your partner, also, forgets who you are.

At the end of the day, at the end of your life, who do you want to grow old with? Would you trust your husband as a business partner? Do you organize and handle the finances together in a competent fashion? Would he run off with all the cash in the till and leave you with the debt? Being a single mother can be a ticket to long term poverty. Growing old in poverty sucks. Growing old alone in poverty sucks harder. Humans are healthier when they have a good partner.

Talk to your husband as a business partner. Try to leave your personal hurt outside the equation. Find out where he sees this business of marriage going. Is he having issues of growing older and not being attractive? Does he base his self esteem on his ability to arouse other women? Or is he a just happy guy with a wandering dick?

Find a way to compromise. If you see any future in the relationship, great; if not, you both need to sit down and realize the enormous financial disaster that divorce can bring. It is the most difficult financial disaster to recover from.

And....find something you love, outside your family, to help you learn more about your own potential.

 

[PlayfulAlex]

...As I believe was mentioned earlier, it is pretty hard to find an SP willing to meet "in the middle of the night," especially with new clients, and double especially if it's obvious that client has been drinking with friends. Perhaps I gravitate towards a different type of SP.

This is just inaccurate...check ERS on any evening and you'll find that there are a number of willing, reputable ladies that accept clients late (and they're not all low-budget).

And, for correction, I don't think anyone has actually said that this isn't her fault or that it isn't his fault. Both parties have to take responsibility for actions and inactions that have taken the relationship in this direction. And, how it goes from here, will also be a product of their mutual ability and/or willingness to work on their issues.

 

[rubytuesday]

@cuteangie: I don't know what I expect to get from this either, but I can say it has provided more perspective, which is something I'm always open to. And yes, I agree that only my husband can answer for himself. Perhaps curiosity, fear, hope and hopelessness have brought me here. Whatever the reason, I'm going through my process the best I can and if I'm judged for it as a troll, fine, and if I'm judged for it as pathetic, fine. I've been judged in far worse ways (most horrifically by myself!).

@yazoo: It's so good to read that I'm perceived as having a cool head. Keep in mind that as open as I seem, I too may be presenting a biased version of myself. I understand the thrill, no doubt. The thing I'm trying to wrap my head around is what you said about some failings being too big to accept. I think I might let my husband get away with murder. Is that just sad or just love?

@Tugela: Yes, people's attitudes certainly do change when it hits close to home. I think being a hypocrite is a perfectly natural response that I can't criticize (or I might be a hypocrite myself!)

@wildboys: Thanks for the advice. You're absolutely right about protection and I need to be told this repeatedly because my thoughts have given our love and family priority over my personal health and safety. To be honest, I can say the safety aspect of the whole situation hasn't fully hit me yet, but hopefully it will soon.

@sleepmonger (and others speculating that I'm a student/troll): I welcome these speculations because it seems you have perfectly grounded reasons for this and I hesitate to defend that I am in fact a wife (because what's the point), but I have time at the moment so I will. Considering that I know my husband has been contacting SPs, we could infer that I've made the dishonorable choice of snooping. Being very familiar with this part of myself, I would say that snooping is detective work, so as a detective, I've looked into the numbers, researched the numbers, and, if you'd like to know where I got the terminology, it was from reading the reviews of these numbers so that I could get an example of what sort of action my husband is getting. Because I'm entering unknown territory for being here, I thought that it would be most respectful to try to use the terminology that seems to be used by others in reviews, so as not to seem offensive -because I don't intend on that. So, I have to admit that there's been many times when I'm close to typing "John" and switch to "pooner" (but can't bring myself to use the term "hobbyist") and when I'm close to typing "escort" and resort to "SP" instead.

It gives me comfort (maybe false comfort) in knowing that most SPs wouldn't agree to meeting someone in the situation I've outlined in, not only for their own safety and convenience, but also because there is a slim slim slim chance that his monthly attempts have been unsuccessful. The bottom line, of course, is that his having done or not done XYZ is not important. I have to get over knowing/not-knowing, and start finding a way to move forward.

I recognize that kids are smart and pick up on things, but I feel pretty confident in saying that they don't know. I think that it's inevitable that kids witness their parents act in less than appropriate ways, but it's most important to set an example of how we deal with it afterwards. (ie. sweeping it under the rug, talking about it openly, fighting, avoidance, etc.) I hope that the details aren't exposed to them, until maybe (BIG MAYBE) later on when they are more mature, but that if they see conflict between their loving parents, that they see it handled in a healthy way.

I am curious, if you have time, to tell me more about how she encourages you to seek SPs and yet it is common courtesy to not let her know about them. I'm not understanding this, but I'd like to.

Me spending too much time at the computer: good thought. Well, I'd like to say I'm superwoman, but that's a stretch. I can say we spend much time together as a family. For me, family first. Always. But, me-time is important and usually I get this in when the kids have gone to bed or if I have the day off work and the kids are at school. I don't want to exaggerate and say I have extensive experience trolling, but years ago, my husband and I would hang out in bed on the laptop browsing stuff together, and if a little trolling opportunity presented itself, we would have our go at it. As of late, I would say that my activity here is definitely sucking up a great deal of time, but insomnia has unfortunately made up for that lost time. I think that my attempts to appear normal are a way to mask the turmoil happening inside and the time spent looking and comparing is reflective of my unfortunate lack of self confidence. I use my ability to communicate intelligently to compensate for all of the things that make me look dumb and pathetic. This should probably come out more clearly now that I've spent so much time defending myself. Lol/sigh/sadface.

 

[rubytuesday]

mimi, thank you so so much for taking the time to share everything you have. Your openness and honesty is exactly what I'm striving for and I find it very easy to relate to so many things you've said. What resonates with me most is that at the end of the my life, he is the one I want to grow old with and I know we can do this. I know it won't be easy, but I won't give up the good fight because I know that I will be being honest with myself as long as I do.

 

[Sleepmonger]

This is just inaccurate...check ERS on any evening and you'll find that there are a number of willing, reputable ladies that accept clients late (and they're not all low-budget).

That would be me posting my own minimal personal experiance and hopes as fact with minimal research, I apologize.

None of the SP's I've personally encountered seem like they would have appreciated a non scheduled call at 1am for a drunken romp. But, that would of course be the period of highest demand, I suppose I was just hoping that none of the girls i've delt with would be willing to take that risk...

I work hardest at night, and my mind has developed a strange defence mechanism to the stress... an intense increase to sexual drive. Thats right, bring me a financial analysis to do around 11pm and in an hour or so i'll rock your world. I'm such a nerd

Anyways this has led to a few late night searches, but no success, I suppose it would be easier if I lived downtown.

And on the part about fault, I recall reading several comments saying his actions had nothing to do with her. I could be mistaken, i'll re-read later. As for the rest of what you said, your right on the money.

 

[Sleepmonger]

I recognize that kids are smart and pick up on things, but I feel pretty confident in saying that they don't know. I think that it's inevitable that kids witness their parents act in less than appropriate ways, but it's most important to set an example of how we deal with it afterwards. (ie. sweeping it under the rug, talking about it openly, fighting, avoidance, etc.) I hope that the details aren't exposed to them, until maybe (BIG MAYBE) later on when they are more mature, but that if they see conflict between their loving parents, that they see it handled in a healthy way.

It's really a tough subject, no matter what happens everything we do affects our kids, how can we tell if that's a good thing or not. I suppose it has to do with the values we want them to adopt. The effect of my father in law's promiscuity, and moreso my mother in law's acceptence of it has helped define who my wife is now. I suppose the answer to the question if that is a good or bad thing, lies in the eye of the beholder.

I am curious, if you have time, to tell me more about how she encourages you to seek SPs and yet it is common courtesy to not let her know about them. I'm not understanding this, but I'd like to.

Yep, sure. It's somewhat hard to get into without explaining exactly the kind of person my wife is, who I am, and the dynamic of our relationship... But I'll think about how to explain it and send you a PM later.

Please dont take offense at the computer thing or any other observation/assumption, it's just conversation based on anecdotal evidence from friends combined with my observations here and a touch of boredom.

 

[Toon]

rubytuesday:

Thank you for coming on board here and engaging us in dialogue. Reading your posts, and the comments of others has me thinking about my own actions and may precipitate a change. I've come to realize that although I've thought a bit about the consequences of getting caught, I have not really thought it all the way through. Much introspection is warranted.

Whatever you do though: Please don't just fade away; let us know how everything turns out after you decide how to move forward. Another update months later would also be appreciated.

Good luck. I think your husband is a very lucky individual to be married to you.

 

[mimi]

Couldn't have said that better myself Angie...good job!

 

[Strawberry]

Hi there,
Sent u a pm